Charlie's Books

Charlie's Books
Buon Giorno, Amici!

Our motto ...

Leave the (political) party. Take the cannoli.

"It always seems impossible until it's done." Nelson Mandela

Right now 6 Stella crime novels are available on Kindle for just $.99 ... Eddie's World has been reprinted and is also available from Stark House Press (Gat Books).

Thursday, January 28, 2010

JD Salinger ... Italia ... john edwards ... fast trains ... DOC says


JD Salinger … his Glass family stories that began in the Nine Stories collection remain some of the most brilliant short fiction ever penned, but it was The Catcher in the Rye and its narrator, Holden Caulfield, that sold over 35 million copies (and continues to sell 200,000 copies a year). Also part of the Salinger library were: Franny and Zooey and Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction (both continuations of the intriguing and dysfunctional Glass family). Salinger avoided fanfare and was agoraphobic. Fleeing all publicity in the early 60’s, the author moved from New York City to New Hampshire where he died at age 91. Salinger waged epic legal battles with those who attempted to publish biographies of him. Although the author hadn’t published anything for more than 45 years, it is believed he never stopped writing. Salinger’s passing remains a HUGE void in the literary world ... unless whatever he’s been writing is eventually released for public consumption. TK sure hope his works are released soon.

Goldman-Mob … the mob over in Italia isn’t having the same level of financial difficulty as Goldman Sachs was, probably because the mob over in Italia didn’t need the government to bail them out. Instead, they needed the government to make it just lousy enough economically for the rest of the suckers to earn off them. Sound familiar?

Johnny be screwed … John Edwards has finally managed to get everybody’s shmeckle caught in a ringer. Bagged and tagged he is now that his bestest friend in the whole world (Andrew Young, the original dumbski who copped a plea for John-boy and said it was “his” kid) has turned author and written a tell-all-about-it. One has to wonder how the man of the poor (with the $800 haircuts) will endure a few months in the joint where such haircuts are known to get slapped around … or maybe if he spends a lot of time on his knees, pulled.

Fast Trains … there’s a great line in The Pope of Greenwich Village (an iconic cult film for anybody from New York that stars Mickey Rourke and Eric Roberts) … Paulie (Roberts) has just managed to get himself and Charlie (Rourke) fired (see the movie) … in an argument that ensues between the two cujini (cousins) outside the restaurant they used to work at, Charlie’s shirt is torn … and Paulie says: “What you worried about that fancy suit for, Charlie? You got no job to wear it to.”

That’s what Knucksline thinks about the “fast trains” proposal by President Obama. Okay, it’ll create jobs (for all those millions of out of work railroad construction guys?) and that’s good, but ... what happens if you don’t know how to build a railroad? And like Paulie might say, “What you need that fancy train for, Charlie? You got no job to take it to.”

Or maybe we’re being too cynical.


And the DOC says ...

Hey Chaz,

At least John Edwards had some juicy stuff to give his bestest pal to write a tell-all book. What have I got? I've got you. The highlights of the book would be you shooting up the mutt with insulin and talking to your freaking mouse. Not exactly a hot seller, but then again, who would want to read about John Edwards either. You'd need a shower after every chapter.

Ah yes, the bullet train and shovel-ready jobs. That's the problem with electing a president who has never had a real job. He thinks that anyone who doesn't have a job must work with a shovel. He figures if you don't work with a shovel, you probably already work for the government and he just gave you a nice raise to tide you over for the spending freeze. He says that freeze will save the government a kazillion smackeroos over 10 years. It's only a 3 year freeze, but the numbers look a lot better if you multiply them by 3. Over 100 years the savings are astronomical.

The bullet train is supposed to go over 100 mph. Unfortunately they are only laying 85 miles of track. Who is going to leave the car at home for an 85 mile trip? Who wants to go 100 mph in a train built by out of work accountants and car salesmen?

I thought it was incredibly rude for Fredo to bitch slap the Supreme Court on national TV, especially since the Bamster did not exactly know what he was talking about. I warned Alito about this before. I said, "Sammy, you show up at these events wearing that black dress, you won't get no freaking respect."

Your best pal

Comments to:

Monday, January 25, 2010



Last week I found out from a reader that Mafiya has been made available on Kindle for $8.93 American.

Well, now so is Charlie Opera ... it has been published on and is available for $2.00 American coin/fazools for your kindle, nook, ebook, etc. You can read the first half free and decide whether you want to buy the book to find out the ending. No spoilers here ...

We’re not yet sure if Johnny Porno will be going the same route, but the publication date is now April 6, 2010 as we await reviews.

Johnny Porno book trailer with a real 70’s disco/porn music ... that’s what I’m talking about.

Speaking of Mafiya ... a couple more nice reviews about it can be found here and here.

Sick in casa Stella ... A sick conversation took place within the walls of casa Stella these last few days ... the ugly one brought home some bug and spent Friday-Sunday doing the Sicilian slide (trust me, yous don’t wanna know) ... by Sunday night, he’d given the gift that keeps giving to stepson Tim (who tossed his cookies at work and was sent home) and then the Principessa Ann Marie received her early anniversary present ... and so thankful was she for it, she exhibited a side of hers I wasn't familiar with (so much crankier than when we married).

Which led to the following Monday night conversation:

Knucks: Everybody done throwing up now? I think I can eat again.

The boss: You’re joking, right?

Knucks: Of course, I’m joking. (Pause) Seriously, I’m starving over here. It’s been, like, three days.

The boss: Yeah, well, it’s still, like, day two for me and Timmy.

Knucks: I made a big pot of soup for when you’re better.

The boss: Good, go drowned yourself in it.

Knucks: I must’ve lost like ten pounds already.

The boss: Don’t panic, you can spare it.

Knucks: I’m trying to be nice.

The boss: Try to be lost. Go away.

Knucks: You don’t love me anymore.

The boss: And to think you can’t pick a football game.

Knucks: That’s just your fever talking. You don’t mean that.

The boss: If you don’t shut up, I’ll bury a fucking hammer in your forehead and trust me, I'll mean it.

Le Doc ...

Hey Chaz,

Sorry to hear you're still not feeling well. In light of your undocumented rodent population you should be open to the possibility that you have plague or Black Death as I prefer to call it. To prepare for any unfortunate results I have taken the liberty of putting your drum set up on Ebay, so if sometime today, in between bathroom visits, you could snap a few pictures that would be just super. Come to think of it, send me a couple of pics of the mutt as well.

Maybe you can help me get my mind around this new development in the White House. Fredo is pissed. He sees all this new spending and he is not going to stand for it anymore. He makes it sound like someone has stolen the White House Visa card and charged up a closet full of cashmere sweaters. Unfortunately, that theory is not flying with the American people because all the sweaters are in his size and they have that ridiculous Obama symbol embroidered on the chest.

So Fredo's plan to combat this outrageous spending is to create an independent panel to oversee government spending. Now, this new panel won't be formed until after November. You can read that as "after the elections". Realistically, he might need to make a few payoffs to secure votes. Also, when you look at your fat ass in September, it's always easier to plan on going on a diet on New Year’s Day rather than right now.

However, the bill to create this panel will be attached to another bill which raises the amount of allowable national debt by a trillion dollars and change. Think of that as asking your credit card provider to raise your credit limit when you haven't made a payment since disco or simultaneously mailing your applications to Jenny Craig and the Cheesecake of the Month Club.

Where you come in Chaz is I would like Knucksline to lobby to the Democrats another two complimentary bills. The first bill would combat Teen Pregnancy. The other bill would provide free mojitos, doobies and Barry White CDs to every high school prom in America. Same logic as our spending plan.

What do you think?


Knucks says: I still don’t know why you right wingers are complaining. Obama has shifted from right of center to far right (his new game plan to revert to Hoovernomics and freeze federal spending is comical after what he’s given away to the already filthy rich). When I think of the blind faith Dems still clinging to this loser it makes me want to run in the opposite direction ... again. Honestly, I can see how some of the hard core right lived in denial about Dubbya, but it was independents that ran the other way and gave this loser the keys to the car. Okay, so how many more times are we gonna play this game before Democrats with an iota of liberalism realize their party is jerking their chain? Can Democrats seriously defend this clown anymore? Yeah, he has charisma and I'm sure he's a nice guy. That said, I wouldn't let him run my lemonade stand with a gun to my head. I know a few people with a lot less latin on their degree than President Obama who can tell their right from their left. In fact, I know people with a lot more latin on their rap sheets who can tell their right from their left better than our prez.

The above is NOT Spartacus ...

Did I mention Johnny Porno will be available April 6, 2010?

Preorder now and keep the ugly one from working 7 days a week again.


Coltless or Aints ... considering half the Aints had the flu (I felt their pain) and the game will be played outdoors ... and the Aints are short on defense and looked a bit anemic on offense ... we’ll condemn the Aints by picking the Coltless in a three-quarters exciting game ... until the Coltless flip the switch and run amok, 37-27.


Sunday, January 24, 2010



Lullaby for the Nameless … Nolan, Hart and Tain are back (in time as well as their latest case(s)). An old serial killer case has possibly resurfaced by way of corpses showing up on a mountain and in a dumpster. An intricate police procedural that provides some interesting perspectives on Canadian law enforcement as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police struggle with local police, the usual police infighting, egos and the demons each of the three protagonist constables bring to the table. I was a fan of the first two in this series (What Burns Within and Frailties of the Flesh going back a few years, but have always wondered about the teasers the author sprinkled in both books relating to how these three dynamic personalities met. Lullaby for the Nameless provides the answers.

The latest in the Nolan, Hart and Tain series provides a great deal of historical, geographical political and social backdrop to Canadian culture. More importantly, it gives us background to the constables at the heart of this intriguing novel. I like being stringed along with clues that lead in several different directions and I was sure I had this baby figured out a number of times before I realized I was somewhat right (about 3 pages from the end—but I use “somewhat” liberally).

This collection (all three books) longs for a television/cable series and I can think of no one better to handle it than David Lynch. TK looks forward to the next installment.

Car crashes ... TK is a huge fan of HBO’s Real Sports ... a recent show on the effects of what amounts to “100 car crashes an hour” (what the game of football consists of) was scary and unfortunately probably very true. Former Harvard football player turned professional wrestler and athlete advocate, Chris Nowinski is most responsible for getting the NFL to rethink it’s pathetic head trauma/concussion policy. Nowinski managed to get NFL players to donate their brains after passing for examination and analysis. The results are terrifying. Many former NFL players (including Colts hall of famer, John Mackey) suffered from dementia very early in their lives; some as early as their 40’s. Many others committed suicide. One thing was certain, unattended concussions result in long term brain damage; players who received several such injuries were very susceptible to dementia and depression. After having to fight the NFL for several years over the issue, now the results are even scarier. It may not be the big hits alone that cause long term brain damage. The “100 car crashes an hour” a football game is may be just as damaging to individuals as the 2-5 big hits that result in concussions. Nowinski’s book, Head Games: Football’s Concussion Crisis explains it all.

And on that happy note, we’re picking the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets today in an upset victory over the Indiacrapolis Coltless, 24-23 (it’s 1969 all over again, baby) and the Aints over the domed Favre bean heads, 33-27.

Supreme Court … ouch, this one hurt more than any of us can realize. Corporations get to openly buy the political process without having to make believe they aren’t already doing so.

Choosing sides … DOC wants me to choose sides but I’m stuck in a genuine dilemma. I have no use for THIS government (both major parties)—it is corrupt, incompetent and completely out of touch with the rest of us struggling to survive. I’m also a firm believer in national health insurance, equal education for all and a much less corrupt form of welfare. The border situation is out of control and has been for years, but I’m not for shooting them as immigrants cross seeking a better life either.

What’s an ugly Knuckster to do? The Libertarian Party makes some genuine points against government, yet I’m not a believer in capitalism in its rawest form and insist man left alone (without government) would result in one big free for all (not in a good way). I also have an issue with greed; it isn’t good.

The Curmudgeon Party … we have the answers … half a police state (you try to kill us, you get your trial posthumously), national health insurance, SEALED borders until this country can handle it’s own problems (to include jobs, healthcare and equal education for all its LEGAL CITIZENS) and we’ll consult with the five families about setting the terms for future loans to Wall Street. In my fantasy connections, I still have an in …

The ugly one has been sick since Friday night and had to call off a band practice because of it ... not to mention delaying his first heavy day in the gym in preparation for the next meet ... or the fact he can't account for the last two days (they've been one HUGE headache).

Oy-vey ... at least he didn't eat anything ... not a single thing.


And the DOC says ...

Hey, Chaz,

Some interesting picks on the weekend's sporting events. You know I was thinking that maybe you should branch out and use your abilities to predict earthquakes or sun spots. Now I already know what you're going to say, "But Doc, I don't have the slightest freaking idea how to predict earthquakes or sun spots."


Your pal

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Independent? ... Strangers on a Train ... Defending the Gold ... Fix the thing ... DOC says ...


Indendent? Are they (Republicans) seriously trying to pass this clown off as an indepndent?

Wait, we'll get back to that ... in the meantime, TK asks:

What’s all the fuss about? So what, Scott Brown won Ted Kennedy’s seat. What’s the difference? Health care? Are yous kidding me? The “health reform” bill the Democratic Senate proposed was written by the insurance industry and it couldn’t get passed when Ted Kennedy was still alive. Brown may save us by killing it first. Howard Dean had/has it right ... let it die and start over (preferably when someone who can accomplish something for the people is President).

Brown is also for leaving the banks alone regarding oversight … that seems in lockstep with President Obama, too. As for the war in Afghanistan, hell, the two are on the same page again; this President recently upped the anti and couldn’t make Republicans happier doing so.

Independent my ass ...

But let’s not kid ourselves about this Scott Brown fella. He didn’t use the word “Republican” in his acceptance speech the other night in an attempt to make it sound like he’s a populist independent owing allegiance to neither party. Yeah, right … this guy has voted with the Republicans 96% of the time. He’s as “independent” as MSNBC Obama ball washer, Chris Matthews is (or anything Republican ball washer Sean Hannity is).

Frankly, I don’t understand all the hoopla on either side of the aisle. The Dems are acting like Republicans and the Republicans aren’t happy about it? Geez, Louise.

Never thought I’d say it (much less print it) but Hillary would’ve been the better lesser of two evil choices compared to Obama … the kind of wheeling and dealing she’s been involved in her entire life (including her “marriage”), would’ve guaranteed SOMETHING was accomplished by a veto proof Senate.

Even Wolf Blitzer asked David (“I won’t discuss Dennis Kucinich”) Gergen how come Republicans with much smaller Congressional majorities and minorities managed to pass legislation, including George Dumbya Bush while the Dems held the majority from 2006 on, but Obama can’t get his own party to pass anything substantive (except for Republican policy--the war, corporate welfare, etc.)?

Okay, so Wolf didn't mention that bit about Republican policy, but he did ask the question and Gergen fumbled with an answer but eventually had to admit because (paraphrasing here:) Obama trusted those around him, maybe from inexperience(?)"

Obama looks to be one and done unless he can figure out that the job entails more than photo ops and speeches the out-of-work are tired of hearing. His attempt to “tax the banks” now (after giving them a $38 BILLION tax break) is an insult to our collective intelligence. He may look and speak better than the last empty suit, but that’s where it ends. Whether he wins or losses in 2012 is irrelevant if a Republican or another Democrat replaces him (and don’t think Hillary isn’t watching this disaster unfold with eager eyes).

This country needs action. It needs a leader who can get things done, preferably for the citizens who elect him or her and not the banks that continue to hold us hostage. The time for a third party is long overdue. Vote for ANYBODY who isn’t a Democrat or a Republican in the next SEVERAL elections--DON'T QUIT IF YOU DON'T WIN RIGHT AWAY. Think about it: Are the two major parties doing anything for you? Liberals vote for who they REALLY want. Conservatives vote for who they REALLY want. Stop choosing the lesser of two evils already … it’s a zero sum game.

Strangers on a Train ... yet another wonderful read from the nasty and supremely talented Ms. Highsmith. This one is a psychological thriller that takes off early and doesn’t slow down. There's no slack in the suspense as Charlie Bruno, a spoiled drunk who wants to whack his old man, meets up with Guy Haines, an architect about to divorce a floozy and marry the proverbial good girl. No spoilers here, of course, but Highsmith does an incredible job of luring us into the manic world of Guy Haines and the predicament that develops from his chance meeting with Charlie Bruno on a train. There are always homosexual overtones in anything Highsmith and this one is no different, although I have to admit I wouldn’t have been as sensitive to them had I not read the Shankar biography of The Talented Miss Highsmith. So far it’s been one great book after another ... and now I get to see the movie!

I ate a baby ...

Defending The Gold … Around this time last year the ugly one entered his first powerlifting meet in a good many years. The competition was fierce (in all the other divisions but his) and there were some kids who were lifting like cranes, but in the old, obese division (Masters II, SHW), there was just Knuckules (pronounced Knuck-U-Lees). Next month he’s going to defend his state championship (unless another old, obese lifter shows up) in Princeton on Sunday February 28th. This morning (4:00 a.m.) started the serious training … and the breaking open of the Ben Gay seals …

The diet coach, cousin (and stud) Jason Pierantoni, will be coming along for support (and to help Knucks get in and out of the car afterward) ...

Fix the thing ... from a fellow Canarsie kid, Tom Cerami: There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan": There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes.

Mr.. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!


And the DOC says ...

Hey, Chaz,

Judging by the amount of typos in your rant I would hazard a guess that you cracked the seal on more than a tube of Bengay tonight. There has to be at least one empty bottle of Chivas floating around Casa Stella or have you trained Spartacus to conceal the evidence.

I think you are rushing past curmudgeon. You hate it when the Republicans win, but you hate it worse when the Democrats win. You have to pick a side, bro. The last time a third party candidate had a shot to win, I had long, thick, blond hair. Way back when, I didn't get Perot. I didn't get Bush which would have been my second choice. I ended up with B.J. Clinton. (Bill Jefferson... not what you were thinking, you pervert) and that led to lessons on what the definition of the word "is" is. To put it bluntly, the next time Nader wins will be the first.

So let's recap. You're drunk, cantankerous, uncomfortable with victories, a pervert and too lazy to use spellcheck. Congratulations, Chaz, I think you have become French.

And to counterract the moon shot of the Sumo wrestler I offer you this.

Au revoir
le Doc

Monday, January 18, 2010

Ooops, there goes another one .... Dead Wrong ... Pomwonderful ... JP Cover ... Bad Movie ... WTF ... What’s the Difference ...DOC says ...


Oooops, there goes another one (Democrat) ... Apparently the staff at Temporary Knucksline weren't the only ones who haven't seen a difference between the last clown in the White House and the new one.

You don't think this was a temporary referendum on the Obama administration?

You better believe it was. And last night they couldn't point fingers at one another fast enough (the Democrats). Only the Democrats can do this to themselves ... but they have company in the other party in doing it to all of us.

Come on amici, none of us need either of these parties anymore. Think out of the box ... if you really want change, let's face it, you're gonna have to.

And DOC says about that ...

More doom and gloom from Generalissimo Buzz-Killer. Somebody won an election and it wasn't Ralph Nader (again). I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly.

Your pal,

4 for 4 ... oy vey, vey iz mir ... hard as it is to believe, the ugly one picked all four games WRONG this past weekend. I’ve already received several dozen emails from the four remaining teams requesting I pick the team they’re all playing. I’ll spend a little more time this week analyzing the championship games but we are tipping our hat to the Y-E-T-S, Yets, Yets, Yets for getting this far. That was a truly amazing defensive performance yesterday.

Geesh, have a bad week and they turn on you like that ...

Pom Wonderful ... hey, the Principessa Ann Marie sampled this new juice and not only gave it a Grade A (she liked the martinis she mixed with it), she told the ugly one he should drink it too (for dietary reasons?). Hey, you know what? I have and it is dynamite. It is 100% pomegranate juice in a nifty shaped bottle, but it does more than just help the digestive tract ... check out the menus in the link.

The Johnny Porno book cover ...

Now you know why he's called the "ugly one" ...

Bad Movie ... the boss LOVES going to the movies. Knucks rather have his toenails pulled off, but she isn’t called the boss because he gets his way. She let him choose from all the crap in theatres these days (he refuses to see that Avatar cartoon) and he chose unwisely (speaking of bad picks), The Book of Eli (an absolute stinker). The ugly one is a big Denzel Washington fan ... but this piece of garbage was nothing more than that; a huge waste of time and fazools. $7.50 for a bucket of popcorn ... $5.50 for soda? The crap cost $19.25 vs. the ticket prices $16.00 for two. You know what? It’s back to Netflix and the 5 foreign film nominees from the Golden Globes last night ...

And speaking of golden globes ... how about “Joannie” (Christina Hendricks) from Mad Men (one of our favorite shows).

Not hot enough? Catch the fever ...

WTF ... a new TK column that features irony, hypocrisy and general dopey stuff. Today TK is wondering What The Fock President Obama was thinking when he made this speech last week: “We want our money back and we're going to get it.” It has to do with his sudden realization that Banks bailed out with OUR money should be taxed.

Wait a minute, TK says ... isn’t this the same bozo (Obama) who just permitted the same banks a tax reprieve on $38 BILLION dollars? Seriously, he gave them our money without any stipulations regarding how they chose to use it (they were supposed to lend it but didn’t, even though they “promised” they would) ... then they continued outsourcing American jobs while taking American taxpayer dollars ... then they rewarded themselves for the record profits they made on OUR dime with record bonuses ... then they were excused from paying $38 BILLION in tax dollars ... and now he’s going to tax them for being greedy (after it was greed that put us all in the financial mess we’re in)?

And let’s not get into the fiscal oversight we all heard so much about before the Presidential election; how it was a lack of such oversight that brought on the crisis in the first place. Let us not get into that because that hasn’t happened yet either—not a single piece of oversight legislation has been passed by the party that guaranteed they would provide it.

Hey, TK is for nationalizing these assholes ... at least writing some legislation that guarantees outsourced American jobs be returned to American taxpayers/workers. These banks want OUR money, they have to play by OUR rules.

Seriously, maybe the morons running the show in Washington need to talk to a few street financiers about how to lend money and more importantly, how to set the terms of the loan.

Tomorrow in Mass ... TK finds it interesting that the whackos on the extreme right are keeping their distance from this election. Rudy (a so-called liberal Republican) was there but no Sarah Palin. You think maybe the GOP is learning they can’t act like cavemen anymore?

We doubt it, but it will be interesting to see which version of Republican wins this election; the Republican light (Coakley) or the full blown Republican (Brown).


And the DOC says ...

Geezus, Chaz,

You're back with the freaking bank thing again. Can't you just let it go? Stop worrying about what the banks do. You don't have any money in them. Any of the amicis who follow your "Lock of the Week" don't have any money in them. Relax. Obama says he's going to make the banks give all the money back. Has he ever lied to you before?

ABC had an interesting article today. It seems Trijicon, who makes optical rifle sights for the military has, at the end of the serial number, a bible reference. The founder of Trijicon was very religious and after his death in 2003 the company started to add this to the serial numbers, so it would look like this: 338899922023jn8:12. The numbers are tiny. In this case the "jn8:12" refers to the bible passage, John 8:12: "Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." Pretty innocuous right? Well, not after ABC is done with it! I mean, this is a gold mine in their eyes. The perfect chance to trash the military, Christianity and capitalism all in one fell swoop. I'm sure the reporter was having multiple orgasms while he penned this masterpiece. First he blows the lid off these "Secret Bible Codes" as he calls them. Then he goes on to explain how our Judeo-Christian military men are shooting at Muslims with their "Jesus Rifles" and how that could be construed by the Muslims as a "Crusade". So, for ABC it's okay if the Muslims slam us with a religious Jihad using IEDs, but it's bad if we strike back with a Crusade using really cool sights.

I think Knucksline will lose much of it's journalistic integrity if you continue your policy of celebrity endorsements. And trust me, if they're trying to push this product as a weight loss aid you are not going to be seeing your picture on the bottle anytime soon. Although, I do see that they have a blog. Let's see how long it takes you to get banned from that. Tell them how you were drinking a frosty PomWonderful when you noticed that the focking banks had stolen $38 billion of your money. That should get you started.

Well I have to go. I want to order a couple of those Jesus scopes.

Your pal,

Well, he has more to say ...

Hey, Chaz,

I saw the trailer. It looks great. You know I don't like to say nice things about you in Knucksline. It ruins my image.

But we have to do some portraits of you for the book jackets. That one looks like you just cut off the bottom of the picture. The part with the black sign with the white numbers and the name of the correctional facility. I can do some dark, moody black and white shots. When I went to photography school all the instructors were 100 years old, so I was taught the 1940s George Raft/Hedy Lamar Hollywood style. For your face... shadows are good.


Saturday, January 16, 2010

More Highsmith ... Johnny Porno ... A Real Hero ... Out of the Gutter ... A Left and A Right ... DOC says ...


The Price of Salt ... Patricia Highsmith's novel about lesbian love said to be the novel that inspired Nabokov's Lolita, The Price of Salt was written under a pseudonym, Claire Morgan, from fear of ruining the Highsmith name (the publishing times they hadn't changed yet). The novel, a fictional extension of what had happened to Highsmith while working in a department store during a Christmas rush (a second job she took at a time when she needed money), featured a happy ending, something very rare for homosexual literature at the time. The novel sold nearly 1 million copies.

What had happened to Highsmith (really) was she had been awestruck by a beautiful woman in a department store and actually wrote her address down and sent her a card with her store identification. Although nothing ever came of the incident (even after Highsmith drove to the address in what today would be considered a stalking incident), the novel grew from what might have been for the author. It is a compelling novel that offers the reader a perspective of a young woman finding herself sexually after a heterosexual romance doesn't do it for her. The novel also delves into the politics and restrictive morality of the times; the young woman Theresa falls for (Carol) was married with a child and although in the process of a divorce at the time, her wealthy husband has the two women followed on a trek across the country in order to take the child away from the wife. No spoilers here, except to mention (again) the happy ending. Frankly, I could've done without the happy ending but understand fully Highsmith's desire to provide one. Many of the letters she received about the book thanked her for portraying a happy life rather than having her protagonist commit suicide (which was more than norm than otherwise in gay literature at the time). It is a terrific book.

After reading the brilliant biography of Highsmith (The Talented Miss Highsmith) there was no way I couldn't go back and read some of her non-Ripley stories and this one, The Price of Salt, was an absolute pleasure. I'm now on to Strangers on a Train and feeling the Highsmith pull all over again. She may have been one nasty piece of work, but there is no denying her writing ability—simply masterful.

Well, now that we're on the subject of books, some gratuitous self promotion here. The galleys for Johnny Porno are out to reviewers. They look great and we can only hope the book itself comes close to matching the cover. Publication is set for April of this year, amici ... order a couple dozen each so DOC can't make fun of my book sale numbers anymore.

A Real Hero ... from East Coast Don at Men Reading Books:

You're a 19 year old kid.

You're critically wounded and dying in the jungle in the Ia Drang Valley.

November 11, 1965; LZ X-ray , Vietnam.

Your infantry unit is outnumbered 8-1 and the enemy fire is so intense, from 100 or 200 yards away, that your own Infantry Commander has ordered the MediVac helicopters to stop coming in. You're lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns and you know you're not getting out. Your family is 1/2 way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you'll never see them again. As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day.

Then, over the machine gun noise, you faintly hear that sound of a helicopter. You look up to see an unarmed Huey. But ... it doesn't seem real because no Medi-Vac markings are on it. Ed Freeman is coming for you.

He's not Medi-Vac so it's not his job, but he's flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire anyway. Even after the Medi-Vacs were ordered not to come. He's coming anyway. And he drops it in and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 2 or 3 of you on board. Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire to the doctors and nurses.

And, he kept coming back!! 13 more times!

He took about 30 of you and your buddies out who would never have gotten out. Medal of Honor Recipient, Ed Freeman, died last Wednesday at the age of 80, in Boise , Idaho. May his soul Rest in peace! I bet you didn't hear about this hero's passing, but we've sure seen a whole bunch About Tiger Woods. . .

Medal of Honor Winner
Ed Freeman
Shame on the American media!

OUT OF THE GUTTER The latest issue is out ... these guys are great (all the stories) ... degenerate literature at its very best ... buy a copy.

From the Left ... more on Sarah Palin to FOX.

From the Right .... also one of the most offensive people on the planet and probably certifiably nuts ... Crazy Ann Coulter pens a very, very, very funny article about Harry Reid's misspeak last week here.


And the DOC (or is it Jeffrey?) says ...

Oh, it's a sad day Chaz,

The chick-ification of Knucksline! This is what happens when you won't kill the mouse. You're not the "Hunter/Protector" anymore. Hang up the old jockstrap, buddy-boy. The good times are over. Next she'll decide that you should not have a complete wardrobe made up of Buffalo Bills sweatwear. Look for some Forest Hills U.S. Open golf shirts in your future, maybe a couple of GreenPeace T-shirts.

So what will we be allowed to write about? I guess we can do weekly reviews of great lesbian literature, do a little Sarah-bashing, maybe chat about foreign films, that no one will ever watch, about poverty in the Congo. Outstanding ... we'll become NPR. If you could get Tavist Smiley to replace that cantankerous old Docster the transformation will be complete.

Oh, I remember the Knuckster of old ...

Now, you've become Johnny Fontaine.

So sad!

In keeping with the new format I'm working on a new weekly column. It'll be covering some of the burning issues of the Metrosexual Community. Here are a couple I've been working on:

"Crying: Is it wrong if you fake it?"

"Manicures: Clear polish or just a macho high buff?"

They should be riveting. Finally I get to explore my more sensitive side. Of course I'll have to write under a nom de plume. "Doc" is just oh so very butchy. So first you will write your non-threatening, politically correct articles and then the next day we'll have "And Jeffrey says" and I will point out any instances where you might have been more caring and empathetic. It will be a real page turner.

Well, Tuesday should be a big day in the Peoples Republik of Massachusetts. A conservative sitting in Ted Kennedy's seat? I know Mary Jo Kopechne and I will be glued to the election results.

"Hey Fredo, I think Scott Brown just peed on your shoes."

You can bet that even as we speak, busloads of ACORN and SEIU members are scouring the graveyards of Boston searching for likely Democratic voters. In Chicago that's called "campaigning".

This will probably get edited out by the Sensitivity Police, but consider it the Doc's final, insensitive rant: Hey Haiti, could you stop whining that the USA is not helping you fast enough. Would you consider possibly helping yourself. You know, clear some roads, bury some bodies, shoot some looters. We're working on it. We just weren't sitting around waiting for the earthquake to hit. Besides, Fredo has to campaign in MA on the weekend. For any of the Haitian Americans who think that is being insensitive... come to the White House. Fredo will give you a beer.

And to the bright lights who sent the planes to Haiti that are now blocking the runways because they had enough fuel to get there, but not enough fuel to leave... way to go. Is it fair to assume that we have a political appointee in charge of Disaster Services?

The end of an era, Bro

Comments to

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Meet Joe Rollino … Palin to Fox … Mark McGwire … Harry Reid … The DOC Speaks ...


Meet Joe Rollino … at 103 he’s in better shape than I was at 13 … and he’d still be around today if a van hadn’t run him over on Bay Ridge Parkway and 13th Avenue last week (he was 104 years young). Joe was an original strongman who showed his wears and strutted his stuff at Coney Island back in the day. From the linked article in the Times: He was a teenager when he watched Jack Dempsey knock out Jess Willard in 1919. He later boxed under the name Kid Dundee, became a Coney Island performer, worked as a longshoreman, fought in World War II and had a bit part in “On the Waterfront” that never made the film, not necessarily in that order.

That’s Joe (weighing between 125-150) pulling 475 pounds with his TEETH (about 50 pounds less than my best dead lift ever (using both arms, my back & legs at 220 pounds). How embarrassing (for me) is that/impressive (for Joe)?

Palin to Fox … what’s there to say, amici. She may be hot, but she’s as dumb as any rock you’ll ever come across. Her performance during the 2008 Presidential campaign will remain an ugly stain on Republican credibility for another hundred years (or at least until they can find a replacement who can speak the mother tongue at least somewhat coherently). The fact Fox is embracing this means one of two things (the way Knucksline figures it): 1) This is a deal struck by the GOP and FOX since both know in their hearts she’s nothing but an anchor on any real hopes they’ll have at defeating President Fredo … and 2) She’s figured out she only has one audience and this is the only way to protect herself from speaking to a public that doesn’t adore her every unintelligible attempt at a full sentence.

“We have trade missions back and forth, we do. It’s very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia. As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there, they are right next to our state.”


FOX caught the fish, let FOX eat the fish …

Mark McGwire … well, it’s about time, but I’m buying his fugazy “reasons” for taking steroids about as much as I took Andy Petite’s bullshit. Recovery my ass. That may well have had something to do with both of them doing steroids, but it wasn’t the “only” reason they took them. This is simple math for me. I’m glad the guy ¾’s fessed up, but his statistics along with everybody else admitting to or caught taking steroids should have great big *ASTERISKS* alongside them in any official MLB record books. And enough with shutting out Pete Rose already. He belongs in the hall … certainly more than the juice freaks.

Harry Reid … honestly, who cares about this crap? No shit some Democrats are every bit racist as some Republicans. What I don’t understand is why either party finds any support anywhere outside of the big business they both work their hardest to support.

Besides, isn’t he older than Joe Rollino?

The DOC speaks ... Dear Charles: You know I don't like to bother you during the week when your hard/hardly at work, but something has come up that demands your immediate attention. This Senate race in the Republik of Massachusetts. Now I am aware that Knucksline's policy is to utterly ignore major news items, but I think it is time to jump in front of this. Let's be the first blog to completely ignore this event.

Granted, our basic tenet is to dismiss any elections that don't involve Ralph Nader. And I know this young upstart has not personally killed the Chevrolet Corvair (probably the only interesting car to come out of Detroit in 50 years) as Ralph did.

And I know this young upstart is 75 years younger than Ralph.

And I know this young upstart does not come from a party that has never amassed more than 1,500 votes in it's 25 years of running from office.

And I know this young upstart has claimed that this is not "Ted Kennedy's Seat" but the "People's Seat" (obstreperous green lout).

But beyond ignoring it, let's go one step further. Let's report that there is no dramatic race, with the possibility that a non-Democrat could possibly win, in Massachusetts.

In fact, let's report that Ted Kennedy is not dead and there is no election.

We'll just say that Teddy took a head first dive into a fresh bottle of Johnny Walker Blue and while sleeping he was pronounced dead by a Bush/Cheney appointed doctor. He should be back at his desk by Monday.

Bingo-bango, we can ignore the story and go back to talking about the Buffalo Bills.

Don't thank me, this is why I am your best pal.

Your best pal

The Rocks of the Week … hold onto your McNuggets, sports fans … the ugly one has the EXACT scores of all the playoff games right here, right now:

The Cardinals by way of St. Louis and Arizona will thump the Aints 45-44 in another round of NFC flag football.

The Chargerless of Santo Domingo will defeat the over anxious Y-E-T-S, Yets, Yets, Yets 30-17.

The Cowgirls of Texas will thrash the Favre bean heads of Minnesota 37-17 as Favre beans tosses half a dozen picks.

And finally, Knucks pick for the Super Bowl way back in August of ’09 … the Wes Cravens shock the inactive Coltless 24-23 … DEFENSE, baby … DEEEEEE-FENCE.


And the DOC says ...

Hey Chaz,

Here's a tip in case you ever want to try writing professionally... Never, ever, have your protagonist run over by a van on the Bay Ridge Parkway in the first freaking sentence of your story.

Sarah: Why do you have this scornful reaction to the lovely Sarah? At least give her credit, Russia has never attacked since she's been in Alaska. Putin looks over at the U.S., sees Sarah sitting on her porch with the .338 Winchester Magnum and the bearskin rug and thinks, "Nope, not today."

Could there be some issues with her book sales perhaps? Let's see, I think her first book sold just under a million copies. Now your books...I have 6. Your Mom bought 3. Annie gets hers for free so that doesn't count. You must have sold at least 28 at P.G. Kings, another 30 at the Black Orchid. Okay, so you're way up there too. It must be something else.

Try this exercise with me. Play one of her speeches on Youtube. Don't get all caught up in the rhetoric. Better yet, turn off the sound. Think of her smoking a cigarette, maybe toying with her garters, she notices a run in her dark stockings. She points it out to you with a blood red fingernail and smiles, slightly embarassed. She takes off her glasses and shakes out her hair...

You still with me Chaz? Not so bad, right? Or do you prefer the prissy sentence structure of ... oh, I don't know...Nancy Pelosi?

Mark McGuire: Gimme a break. The record books from 1980 on will have so many asterisks they will look like Star Wars. Why don't they put asterisks on the few athletes who weren't riding the lightning?

Harry Reid: Uh, we covered that yesterday in Knucksline. Next time I'll type slower so you can keep up.

The Doc: That guy cracks me up. Sometimes I read Knucksline just to see what that lovable brigand has to say.

Rock of the Week: Please Chaz, you couldn't pick the winner in a race between Mark McGuire and Joe Rollino (who got run over by a van on the Bay Ridge Parkway) and now you're going to predict exact scores. I have bet on your picks. The family fortune is gone, MasterCard has hired a hit man and I'm reduced to writing editorials on dopey blogs for 25 cents per word. Haven't you done enough damage? Make predictions on things you are more familiar with. For example, why does Sarah Palin name her children like Winnie the Pooh characters or how many different biological threats are living in Lindsay Lohan's lingerie?

Greatest Line of the Week: Dennis Miller on Hillary Clinton: "She's been cheated on more times than a blind man playing scrabble with Gypsies."

Have a good week, Buckeroo

Comments to

Monday, January 11, 2010

Obama to the rescue … Some Football … and the DOC says ...


Obama to the rescue ... just when you thought there were tough times in America, that the unemployment rate was holding fast at 10% and those running out of extended benefits might be eating in soup kitchens, President Obama’s influx of cash (our cash) to Wall Street saves the day! From the New York Times (although they did their best to disguise what this is really about): The move would be the latest in a series of initiatives by Goldman to soften criticism over the size of its bonuses, which are expected to be among the largest on Wall Street, bringing average pay to about $595,000 for each employee — with far higher amounts for top performers. And while some might try to claim it is because Goldman Sachs was able to pay back its TARP loan, remember that the only reason it was able to do that is because AIG paid them back with money we gave AIG.

A nice deal if you can get it.

I don’t know about yous, amici, but it does my heart GREAT to know we’re doing so well (yous and me), we can afford to subsidize the very same people who took us into this financial “ditch” with the biggest bonuses in Wall Street history!

And we (and Goldman Sachs) owe it all to our President, Barrack Obama.

Thanks, pal.

Now, fair warning to my dear friend DOC … should he ever complain about President Obama being a socialist again, I may have to take gun lessons from the Jenmeister and shoot DOC myself (although being a fantasy connected dinosaur, I’d prefer to bludgeon him with a Louisville Slugger). Socialists don’t provide corporate welfare at the citizens expense. Socialists don’t permit people to go jobless, without insurance and then homeless in order for Wall Street to award itself with record bonuses. Right now, Obama is a better friend to Wall Street than any Republican in the history of the Republic.

Change we can believe in?

Yes we can?

This focking clown (Obama) is the biggest bust since Brian (The Boz) Bosworth!

But don't take our word for it. Even Maureen Dowd is fed up with him ... again.

Get a room!

National Kraft League ... finally, amici, the National Kraft League was put to rest yesterday as Knucks' AFC pick for the Super Bowl this year (go back to my preseason post), the Wes Cravens routed the New England Cheaterfaces on their home field before their stunned (until they ran for the exists at the start of the 4th quarter) fans. The biggest group of whiners in the league (players that jump up looking for flags after each and every play because they can’t imagine not getting the call) are out of it … dead and gone. Coach cheaterface was bested by the same team that had been robbed earlier in the season by two phantom “roughing Saint Brady” penalties in the Cheaterface “win” at the start of the season.

Good riddance ... what a bunch of whiners.

Cowgirls look super ... much to my ulcered angst, the Girls of Texas look about ready to explode into the Super Bowl (where they will no doubt be trashed by the much superior AFC conference). In a doomed by dome playoff match-up, the Vikings of Minnesota (where record low temperatures would have essentially guaranteed them a win) will no doubt suffer their inactivity against the Texas Two Steppers. The last time the Vikings made it to the dance (4 times in all), there was no dome in Minnesota and home field advantage was HUGE. Since the morons who gave home field advantage away by building a couple of domes, the Vikings haven’t been back to try again. Well, they won’t make it this year either.

And how ‘bout those Y-E-T-S, Yets, Yets, Yets!

It was no contest in Cincinnati where the Bengalis and Carson (man, is he overrated) Palmer stunk up the field against a rookie QB and his rookie head coach. Go Yets!

The Eaglettes … Knucks' almost “other” Super Bowl pic turned out to be the biggest pretenders of all. I’ll bet the owner there is just jumping with joy at extending Andy Reid’s contract.

Cards-Packerless … what a joke. No defense, no comment. Some might think that crap was exciting, but dinosaurs have no use for two-hand touch contests posing as football games.

Buffalo to La-La-Land? ... East Coast Don at Men Reading Books tipped me off to this possibility … but the ugly Knuckster has an answer to the question all a’yous are no doubt losing sleep over. Who does he root for once his beloved New York State Buffalo Bills go the way of Toronto or Los Angeles? Well, if they go to either location, yous can have them.

I moved to New Jersey as of 2009 … so by default, it’ll be the Y-E-T-S, Yets, Yets, Yets who will once again become (with Knucks approval), the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!

And yes, it will require the Bills logo tattoo be removed from my arm … if I have to do it with a rusty nail.

And finally, also from East Coast Don:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.


And the DOC says ...

Shoot Doc?

"I’d prefer to bludgeon him with a Louisville Slugger"?

Nice talk, Chaz. Let's see if the old lovable Docster is willing to venture fearlessly across the frozen wasteland for your next Christmas gala.

These bonuses are still pimples on your butt, aren't they? The whole deal was mismanaged from the beginning. The Bamster may have gone to Harvard Law, but he should have taken that summer internship at the Sicilian School of Business: I lend you $1 Billion, yous pay me back $1.3 Billion and I am now a partner in your business. At the end of the year yous give me 25% of the profits. What yous do with your share of the profits I don't care, because I get paid first.

See! No muss, no fuss, no Louisville Sluggers. Seriously though, what did you expect? All the bamster's financial guys are Goldman Sachs alumni.

I see Knucksline is once again fearlessly ignoring the Harry Reid news of the day. You probably didn't hear of it because MSNBC is saving it for their special "Big Stories We Just Didn't Feel Like Talking About Show". It should come on just after the "Acorn Supports Underage Prostitution" segment and before the "Fredo is Filling His Cabinet With Maoists" story.

I don't think the "light-skinned Negro" part is so bad, but that second part says Fredo is the biggest phony on the planet. "He doesn't have a Negro dialect if he doesn't want to" ... So that means when he's down in Alabama hustling for some votes and he turns on that hush puppies and cornbread patois, he's just talking down to the shit-kicking homeboys y'all.

And Hillary must be so pleased with Bill's comments. I bet she was out in the garage looking for the Louisville Slugger. It's always special when your husband totally embarrasses you in front of your boss.

Hey Chaz, that gives me an idea. Maybe we could have another footnote to the blog today. We'll call it: "And The Principessa says". Gotta be some relevant stories there!

In the end though, Chaz, it's not the Socialists and the Capitalists nor the Dimocrats and the Repubicans. It's the Elitists and the Schlubs. Now you definitely and me quite possibly are Schlubs. But if you look at the Tea Parties and the Town Hall meetings, the Schlubs are getting angry and better yet, they're getting vocal. Give them one more Crotch Bomber or one more Bailout and providing "American Idol" isn't on that night, we might have the beginning of Revenge of the Schlubs.

At least I hope so.

Your pal,