Fun with Bill and Tom: Hey, the last two weeks have been a total
blast for Bills fans. It’s been Christmas 24/7. And tonight it all culminates
in a no-lose situation for us Bills fans (and most of the rest of the country).
Nobody likes cheaters. Ask Richard Nixon, Lance Armstrong, Tanya Harding, Barry
Bonds, Alex A-Roid Rodriguez, and now Bill BeliCHEAT. Most non-football fanatics (like
my wife and others not devoted to making themselves crazy over a stupid game)
look at it this way: If they cheated, they shouldn’t play in the Super Bowl.
Bills fans agree! And so does
the rest of the country!
PHOENIX — America has spoken,
and it thinks the Patriots are lying cheaters.
So, amici, the great day is finally upon us. No, not the Washington
Mountain hike, not the 100 lbs. of weight loss (that continues to escape me by
8-12 pounds), not the start of the NHL Playoffs, nope, nothing that
spectacular. Tonight it’s another Super Bowl. This one between the defending
Champion Seattle Seahawks (i.e., Sea Pigeons) and the New England Cheatriots
(i.e., Cheatriots).
The recent alleged scandal involves the deflated footballs used by the
Cheatriots during the AFC championship game two weeks ago. Although at least some
of the FACTS have been revealed (or there wouldn’t be an “ongoing NFL
investigation,” for whatever that’s worth), repeating said FACTS 500 or 501 or 502 x’s
doesn’t register with some of those living in 4 New England states the same way actual FACTS
continue to confuse FOX news (to the point where they make up their own facts).
So, for the records (and 503rd time), here are the FACTS as
we all know them (and some continue to deny them).
FACT 1: The Cheatriots and
BeliCHEAT were caught and fined by the NFL for SPYGATE.
FACT 2: In 2006, Tom Brady
petitioned the NFL to have teams supply their own game balls. Prior to 2006,
each team played with the SAME BALL.
FACT 4: Roger Goodell burned
the SPYGATE tapes the league had obtained.
FACT 5: The night before the
AFC Championship game two weeks ago, Robert Kraft had Roger Goodell at his
house for dinner and pictures were taken.
FACT 6: The day of the game,
both team footballs were checked for the proper league standard psi. Both team
footballs met the requirements.
FACT 7: At the half, based
on prior suspicions and complaints about Cheatriot deflated footballs, the
Cheatriot footballs were found to be deflated by as much as 2 lbs psi. The
Colts game balls remained within the league standards (i.e., no deflation).
FACT 8: A videotape of a
Cheatriot staff member (i.e., ballboy) shows the ballboy stepping into a
bathroom with the game football already approved by the game officials.
FACT 9: It takes as little
as 7.5 seconds to deflate a ball 2 lbs psi.
FACT 10: The Cheatriots only
ran the ball 4 times for 13 yards vs. the Ravens a week earlier.
FACT 11: There were prior
suspicions of deflated balls, which is why the officials checked the game balls
at the half of the AFC Championship game.
FACT 12: The Cheatriots had
the fewest amount of fumbles during the season (suggesting, at the least, a
deflated ball is easier to grip and hold).
Cheatriot fans ironically cry foul (the league is out to get them). The
rest of the civilized world, including those objective enough to look at the
evidence, see it otherwise. A team loaded with talent, with arguably one of the
two best QB’s in NFL history, and a coach with similar credentials, were
already caught cheating and fined once, yet we’re to believe this mysterious
ball deflation somehow was a miracle of modern science on one sideline but not
the other sideline.
The Science … Bill BeliCHEAT
claims it was science that proves his side of the field ONLY was affected (is
he seriously suggesting climate change?) … Bill Nye the Science Guy claims
BeliCHEAT is full of hot air. We say
that excuse is about as arrogant as it gets (i.e., BeliCHEAT telling the paying
public, fans, et al … they can go F themselves).
The NFL, in its infinite corruption, sought out a scientific excuse
from Columbia University in New York. Can the start of the cover-up be any more
obvious? Roger Goodell will have this “investigation” sleep with the
fishes (as opposed to a repeat performance--burning the footballs the way he burned the SPYGATE tapes).
The Ball Boy … it’s already
been proved on video that not only did the Cheatriot’s ball boy take the bag of
approved footballs into the bathroom for 90 seconds, the amount of time it
takes to deflate 12 footballs averaged 7.5 seconds per ball. More importantly,
should the “investigation” find fault with the ball boy, are the rest of us to
believe Tom Shady Brady (the guy who handles the ball most often) had nothing
to do with the deflation (i.e., “Hey, ball boy, don’t forget to not deflate the
balls.”) … or are we to believe a ball boy woke up two weeks ago and decided, “Hey,
I think I’ll step into the bathroom out of view of the security cameras and
deflate the game balls today!”
Don’t forget FACT #2 up above (Brady’s petitioning the league to have
the teams use their own footballs). Prior to 2006, both teams used the same league football. Are we to believe Brady hasn’t been cheating
since 2006? Really?
Dynasty or Asterisks … well, if
the Sea Pigeons win tonight, it may mean the start of a new NFL dynasty. The
loss will be number 5 for the Cheatriots/Choketriots, giving them one more loss
than my beloved New York State Buffalo Bills.
How cool is that?
How cool is that?
Should the Cheatriot win, it’ll just be one more *ASTERISK* for the New
England franchise that has a history of CHEATING. Perhaps fitting is the fact
that one of their former players, a friggin’ sociopathic serial killer, Aaron
Hernandez, is on trial for murder this week. If you look at BeliCHEAT’s
reaction to the Aaron Hernandez situation, it looks kind of similar to his
reaction to deflategate.
He was shocked.
Shocked, I tell yous!
Oh, ONE MORE FACT, amici … Eli still owns Giselle's husband!
—Knucks
The most common sense and obvious explanation … thank you, Mr. Aikman (hall of fame QB without a single asterisk alongside his name).
