TK: You’ve finally agreed to this interview. Why?
CS: Publicity. I and Johnny Porno can use it.
TK: Well, you’ll certainly have some now.
CS: Yeah, I saw you have 19 followers, including one that’s a link to my review site so it’s really just 18 followers.
TK: Not everyone who reads TK is a follower.
CS: You’re starting to embarrass yourself. Maybe you should move on.
TK: Fair enough. Tell us about DOC. We understand his fans out number yours 20:1.
CS: At least.
TK: How do you handle that?
CS: Whatever brings them to the party is fine with me. DOC is very funny, even if it is at my expense.
TK: And President Obama’s, no?
CS: Yeah, Fredo too.
TK: Why Fredo, while we’re at it?
CS: You ever see The Godfather? Fredo is the slow son. He can’t make decisions. He fumbles the gun when he should be defending his father. If Obama fumbles the ball anymore, he’ll make George Bush look smart and that would require something akin to severe brain damage. I'm sure George Bush is a nice guy and I voted for him twice. I'm sure Obama is a nice guy and although I didn't vote for him and opted for Ralph Nader instead, he's proving the old cliche about them all being the same. As far as I'm concerned, he's been as useless as tits on a bull to the American worker and has more than deserved the support of big businesses everywhere (so much for changing things).
TK: How did you and DOC meet?
CS: At a marketing research job a long time ago now. I saw him bundled up one fine summer day and had to follow him; I thought he might've been a suicide bomber before those clowns were hot topics. DOC was wearing so many layers I figured he had to be concealing something. Twenty minutes later he’s walking into Mudloon’s on Third Avenue, arguably the hottest bar-restaurant in New York in terms of actual temperature. The city morgue brings stiffs they need to thaw out there overnight. I went in the back of the bar and there was DOC asking a young lass if they could turn the heat up just a little more. It must have been 115 degrees. I introduced myself and fainted.
TK: You two are quite an act. We’ve had several suggestions that you two start a radio or television show.
CS: That we start it, huh? And how do we do that? Besides, that would mean actually working and DOC is too comfortable these days sitting in his lounge chair at Earl Scheib’s under the heat lamps they use to dry the paint jobs on cars they’re redoing to ever want to work again.TK: This sounds like you’re taking advantage of his not being here to take a few shots at the DOC.
CS: Oh, don’t worry about DOC. He’ll have a boatload of responses once this hits the internet. And then his fans will write to me about how funny he is.
TK: Is that jealousy we detect?
CS: Let’s put it this way, I wish I had as many readers as he has fans on that dopey blog you run.
TK: But you’re friends, right?
CS: Who else would like us but ourselves? Of course.
TK: We were told to veer away from politics, but we do need to touch on some of it now as it pertains to DOC. You and he seem joined at the hip on some issues and worlds apart on others.
CS: Pretty much, although where we’re worlds apart I’m the one on planet earth.
TK: Well, you’ve been known to be a bleeding heart liberal in your past, then a vocal supporter of George Bush in both his elections, you called yourself the Generalissimo for a while and then supported the socialist party and Ralph Nader. If I’m not mistaken, you’ve recently formed your own party, the Curmudgeons?
CS: Way to veer away from politics.
TK: It’s hard to avoid it. About this curmudgeon thing ...
CS: It’s probably a combination of fascism and progressivism; I’m a hawk with a golden heart. Life knocked the bleeding heart out of me. I’ve seen the damage being a tree hugger can do up close, especially in the workplace. Unfortunately, the economy today couldn’t be better for management. They’re raping the work force to the point where workers are happy to have a job and accept no raises, bonuses and reduced benefits with a smile. I cringe when I hear fellow workers say “at least we still have a job.” It boils my blood we’ve become so complacent, especially after the sacrifices we all had to make for the benefit of the filthy rich on Wall Street. So, while governments really can’t run anything successfully, neither can private business be left unattended. Capitalism has become more dangerous to the true middle class than anything else I can think of. The haves need not worry. Neither do the have-nots (so long as they’re comfortable being have-nots), but it’s the middle class working for the one and paying for the other that is being crushed. The land of opportunity is swollen with illegal immigrants, a very spoiled younger generation, a failing education system, inflated college degrees and unrivaled greed at the top of the food chain. Someone is going to tell me that CEO’s rewarding themselves with multi-million dollar bonuses (even if their companies aren’t on the government tit), worked for it by the sweat of their brow? Christ, that makes my head explode—the miners who just died in that Virginia coal mine disaster were the ones doing the sweating.) I’m not envious of the younger generation and I can’t think about my own future and retirement some day without wondering whether I’ll be forced into early retirement and living on food stamps or working at some menial job until I drop dead. Curmudgeons are about common sense. We’re all for national health insurance but not until the Medicaid fraud is cleaned up and those responsible for both ignoring the fraud and committing it are in jail. We’re all for a strong national defense but not fighting a war over rocks or oil. We have a simple formula for war: Kill one of ours and we’ll kill 100 of yours (and there’s no need to put boots anywhere near the ground with what we have in weaponry). We have nothing against foreigners but realize the borders need to be sealed for a while, maybe a long time (maybe a very long time) and that’s a difficult position for us to take because we do realize that immigrants are the ones willing to work hard and appreciate the opportunity while too many of our own citizens are all too willing to sit back and watch. Another issue that just can’t go on anymore has to do with women who choose to have kids without the means to support them going about it another half dozen times or more—it isn’t fair to the women, the kids or the rest of society. At some point, somebody has to intervene (whether by chip or operation). Men who father kids and move on need to pay the freight or spend some time getting familiar with the penal experience. Schools don’t get to pass kids that can’t read or write. Teachers don’t get tenure. Who came up with that anyway? You can’t get fired? Bull-fucking-shit. If I can get fired (and I have), so can you. As for Wall Street, we don’t see how or why we’d let them off the hook so easy and not only ignore what they did, but permit them to reward themselves for doing it. The guys behind the economic meltdown on Wall Street should be in jail, not maintaining the status quo. So, yeah, I’m a hawk with a golden heart.
TK: And DOC?
CS: He’s more a hawk with a somewhat smaller heart.
TK: How do you two co-exist?
CS: Booze.
TK: We can’t help but notice how he gets the best of you in each new post. You and President Obama.
CS: DOC’s a great writer and extremely smart. He’s also got nothing better to do all day than plan his responses. While he can be very quick witted, he often takes a few days to drop the hammer on me and President Obama. The bottom line is he makes me laugh so hard I can’t wait to post his responses so I actually hound him to respond (like today for instance; many of your readers want to see a picture of DOC. I requested one of him in his Speedo but he’s playing coy again). And for those on the left who think him crass, you couldn’t be more wrong. He’s one of the most decent people I know. Granted, I don’t know many, but DOC would give the shirt off his back to anyone in genuine need. Just don’t ask him for a lift. He’ll probably use that shitty little thing he drove me to the weight lifting meet in a few weeks ago that nearly paralyzed me.
TK: He once asked where was your liberalism when you were working a street life and lending money at usurious rates. We noticed you never replied.
CS: Yeah, well, that’s sort of like where’s his hatred of all things Government while he collects unemployment and has a Cadillac health insurance plan because his saint of a wife is a nurse. We tend to avoid the stuff that makes us walking contradictions.
TK: Is he really a rifle and knife expert?
CS: Does a bear shit in the woods?
TK: I see. You’ve mentioned he wrote a survival novel and that you’re pushing to get published.
CS: It’s a terrific novel. Full of DOC’s charm and wit (so they’ll be some laughs and for once it won’t be at my or President Obama’s expense). It really is a terrific read. Hopefully, after the economy picks up, if it ever does again, some clever agent will take it on and take a shot. I think it’s at least as funny as some of the guys doing dark humor out there today. Frankly, I think it’s better than most of what's out there today. I’d think DOC’s whacky gun nut friends alone would push that book over the top as far as sales go. The NRA isn’t some tiny group of illiterate rednecks. Then there’s the NASCAR circuit and science fiction fans. I think DOC’s book would make a killing if handled right. You’ve seen it for yourself on that dopey blog of yours, the man can flat out write.
TK: If his novel is published, would DOC still have time to comment on Temporary Knucksline?
CS: Judging by his current success (or maybe it’s his effort) in finding a new job, I’d say he’ll have time to write for TK, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and the Tea Party Quarterly.
TK: We’re about done with Part 1 of this first of many interviews with you. Anything more you want to add about DOC or mention about Johnny Porno?
CS: We’ve spend enough time on DOC today. Besides, he’ll respond at my expense and then I’ll have to read all his damn fan mail again (including one from one of my sons). As for Johnny Porno, we’re still waiting on a few industry reviews, but I went and did something this go I’ve never done before. I requested reviews from readers directly. I shopped the amazon top reviewer lists and tried to narrow down a few people I thought might enjoy my type of crime fiction. I also got a little bold and requested reads from people completely outside my genre. I’ve received one response so far and it was a very pleasant one that will be posted on Tuesday on a romance blog run by Rebecca Baumann called Dirty Sexy Books. Rebecca was nice enough to read and review JP and asked me to guest post on her blog Tuesday. It’s a mostly romance review blog, although Rebecca does read a ton of other fiction, including crime fiction. I hope to hear from another dozen or so reviewers I contacted over the next few weeks. Hopefully most of them will enjoy JP, but I’m not delusional enough to expect universal appeal.
TK: Anything else you’d like to discuss?
CS: Yeah, this is for my son, Dustin. It’s your move, kid. I miss you and I’m around.
Art of the day (my wife's favorite scene from Goodfellas) ... and whatta'ya want from me?:
Music to play some drums by ...
—Knucks
And the DOC says (part 1):
Hey Chaz,
Most of the pictures of me are daguerrotypes and they don't convert well to JPGs.
I have this one hand drawn by Walt ...
and this one ...
and this one of me and my favorite author... and you.
TK looks good, but I have to help my daughter move (again). I might possibly have some comments later tonight. I see you finally figured out a way to make that schizophrenia pay off.Your pal,
Doc
DOC Responds:
Hey Chaz,
I buffed it up for you. Fixed the punctuation and stuff.
Doc
The following is Part 1 of a multi part interview between Temporary Knucksline and Charlie Stella. The interview was conducted at Casa Stella on April 10-11, 2010.
TK: You’ve finally agreed to this interview. Why?
CS: Publicity. I’m an attention whore and Johnny Porno can use it.
TK: Well, you’ll certainly have some now.
CS: Yeah, I saw you have 19 followers. I asked Doc to sign up as a follower and he spit on my shoes.
TK: Not everyone who reads TK is a follower. Basically, TK is the blogsite of low expectations. That’s why we don’t allow bloggers. This way people with no original ideas and no personality don’t feel challenged or left out.
CS: You’re starting to embarrass yourself. Maybe you should move on.
TK: Fair enough. Tell us about DOC. We understand his fans out number yours 20:1.
CS: At least and with good reason I might add.
TK: How do you handle that?
CS: Whatever brings them to the party is fine with me. Plus, it costs me nothing. I throw him a slice of pizza and a brewski every once in a while and he’s happy or at least as close to happy as someone with his shitty attitude gets. DOC is very funny, even if it is at my expense.
TK: And President Obama’s expense too, no?
CS: Yeah, Fredo too.
TK: Why Fredo, while we’re at it?
CS: Well, Doc came up with that. Considering the fact that he is slightly to the right of George Patton and lived for 20 years in Howard Beach he has to tread lightly on racial issues. “Fredo” got the point across without mentioning that he was clean and articulate with no negro dialect unless he wants one. Oh wait, those were Democrat responses.
TK: How did you and DOC meet?
CS: At a marketing research job a long time ago now. He used to work with wife number six or number nine. I can never remember which. Let’s face it, in the marriage game I make Elizabeth Taylor look like Fatima of Lourdes.
TK: You two are quite an act. We’ve had several suggestions that you two start a radio or television show.
CS: That’s a good idea. We could be like Burns and Allen but without the boobs.
TK: This sounds like you’re taking advantage of his not being here to take a few shots at the DOC.
CS: Oh no! When I grow up I want to be the Doc.
TK: Is that jealousy we detect?
CS: Let’s look at his life. He gets up at 10:00, has coffee, plays in his garden. Has a couple of brewskis, swims in his pool. Takes a shower, goes out and buys more brewskis and more plants. Couple more brewskis, reads your blog, drinks some Haterade, answers your blog, couple more brewskis, time for bed. His wife works at night, so she sleeps all day. Wouldn’t you be jealous?
TK: But you’re friends, right?
CS: Who else would like us but ourselves? Of course.
TK: We were told to veer away from politics, but we do need to touch on some of it now as it pertains to DOC. You and he seem joined at the hip on some issues and worlds apart on others.
CS: Pretty much, although where we’re worlds apart it’s mostly because Doc is a Constitutionalist and I am a rabid Communist. I think we should collect all the money, give it to ACORN and SEIU and let them distribute it. I’m sure they would be fair. Doc thinks if you earn money you should be allowed to keep it.
TK: Well, you’ve been known to be a bleeding heart liberal in your past, then a vocal supporter of George Bush in both his elections, you called yourself the Generalissimo for a while and then supported the socialist party and Ralph Nader. If I’m not mistaken, you’ve recently formed your own party, the Curmudgeons?
CS: Way to veer away from politics. I’m beginning to understand why you only have 19 followers.
TK: It’s hard to avoid it. About this curmudgeon thing ...
CS: It’s probably a combination of fascism and progressivism; I’m a hawk with a golden heart. Blah, blah, blah, Capitalism bad, Blah, blah, blah, Unions good, Blah, blah, blah, Wall Streeters killed the coal miners, Blah, blah, blah, Everyone deserves a chance, Blah, blah, blah, Can’t we all just get along, Blah, blah, blah, Bush lied and somebody cried, Blah, blah, blah. So, yeah, I’m a hawk with a golden heart. Good Lord, did I really say that out loud? I am the sparrow with the heart of a king! I am a toaster with the heart of a Waring blender!
TK: It might be wise to put down the crack pipe for the rest of the interview.
CS: You might be right.
TK: And DOC’s political views?
CS: He’s the hawk that makes the other hawks nervous with a somewhat smaller, blacker, colder heart and no relationships to kings or blenders.
TK: How do you two co-exist?
CS: Booze and the fact that he is my personal hero.
TK: We can’t help but notice how he gets the best of you in each new post. You and President Obama.
CS: DOC’s a great writer and extremely smart. He’s also a snarky, little bastard with too much time on his hands. And don’t be expecting to meet him if you’re taking the High Road. He once told me, “Chaz, if you find yourself in a fair fight, your strategy sucks.”
TK: He once asked where was your liberalism when you were working a street life and lending money at usurious rates. We noticed you never replied.
CS: We tend to avoid the stuff that makes us walking contradictions. Could we get back to analyzing Doc? Did I ever tell you his favorite actress is Elvira Mistress of the Dark?
TK: Is he really a rifle and knife expert?
CS: Does Obama throw like a girl?
TK: I see. You’ve mentioned he wrote a survival novel and that you’re pushing to get published.
CS: It’s a terrific novel. Full of DOC’s charm and wit. I’m not really pushing that hard to get it published. The way I see it, giving Doc a whole bunch of money would be like giving a gorilla a nuclear missile. No good is likely to come of it.
TK: If his novel is published, would DOC still have time to comment on Temporary Knucksline?
CS: I don’t see how he finds the time right now. With the drinking, gardening, swimming and some occasional target practice his days are pretty much booked.
TK: We’re about done with Part 1 of this first of many interviews with you. Anything more you want to add about DOC or mention about Johnny Porno?
CS: We’ve spend enough time on DOC today. Buy my book. I need the money. If you saw my food bills you would think Obama is doing my shopping. I have a $7,000 drum set and a $400 car. If ordering the book is too much trouble, just send $25 to my house. I’ll give you the address.
TK: Anything else you’d like to discuss?
CS: Yeah, could we go back and edit out that whole “hawk with the heart of gold” section?
TK: ‘Fraid not… freedom of the press and all that nonsense.
CS: Oh fuck! Doc is going to have a party with that.
TK: Too late. He’s already seen it. He was laughing so hard he dropped his revolver.
