The Scott is coming … Bills-Yets … TK Board meeting Friday Night with Doc …

Amici:

A brief interruption to yesterday's post. Jon Stewart kind of hinted at what the ugly one has been saying for a while now: "Democrats, Republicans; same shit, different stripe." But he says it with so much more humor ...

Reviewed here back in February, Russel D. McLean’s The Lost Sister gets its official release this week (October 1, 2010). Pre-order in the U.S. here. Russel is one of the truly good people in the crime writing world, as he comes from prime stock … and he’s a terrific writer (world class or they wouldn’t be buying and selling his work across the oceans of this world). He’s here to tour with the new book and although he won’t have the same suite as last time he stayed at casa stella (renamed castle stella for Laird McLean’s stay) [the old suite is now a drum room], hopefully he’ll enjoy the new suite directly opposite the old.

Now, while it isn’t easy to forgive the politicians in Scotland who let the Lockerbie bomber out of jail on a fugazy “compassionate release”, TK figures BP and others in the UK had a direct hand in that abortion of justice so Laird McLean gets a pass.

TK does want to suggest another compassionate release (Knucks’ style) here and now: How about yous kidnap the piece of shit back and proceed to release his body through a meat grinder one inch at a time? We here at TK promise to eat raw onions so as to feign compassion …

Lockerbie aside, the ugly one actually owns land in Scotland, one entire square foot worth of Scottish turf at the LaPhroaig distillery and this weekend my brother from another mother will be granted his own square foot of Fords, New Jersey sod just outside Castle Stella; consecrated ground, for sure, as Rigoletto has left his mark there a thousand times or so.

Any of yous in the area who wish to visit with the Scotsman at Castle Stella, send me an email but be prepared to make it for Sunday night because the Laird is only here for three days before he hits the road with The Lost Sister.

Russel has his own blog that comes live from Scotland (when he’s not on the road) …


Bills-Yets … listen to me, we’re poised and ready. We have our mojo back (30 points against the Cheaterfaces last week) … the Yets are over-confident and ready to upset … Reevis and Butheads have no shot this week … Reevis will be reaching for that “bad hammy” all day long as future hall of famer (the Irish kid playing QB) will light up the scoreboard and Mark Sanchize gets schooled on INT’s as the Bills Shout theme song plays over and over and over again (after each Bills TD). Mortgage the house and take the Bills in the upset of the week, Bills 34 – Yets 17 … because NOBODY CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE THE BUFFALO BILLS!

Bills shout song:

Friday night the Doc is stopping over for a few as the Board of Directors of Temporary Knucksline has their bi-monthly get shit-faced stockholders meeting.

(Per Doc last week in reference to TK’s disclaimer about his “asshole” song):

Hey Chaz,

That's kind of a lengthy disclaimer for my modest constructive criticisms. Why didn't you warn the amicis not to drive or operate heavy machinery while reading them.

If you're this cranky you must be back on the diet again. I think we need some drinks and pizza this week. We'll call it a TK editorial staff brainstorming session. Pick a day.

Doc

Doc sent this link about the beer service he’ll be providing at said shareholders meeting:



To recap: Friday its Doc … Sunday it’s my beloved New York State Buffalo Bills over the Moonachie Yets ... and the Scotsman, Russel D. McLean, is in town with The Lost Sister…

—Knucks

Doc says (and sings) ... oy vey ...

Amici:

Oh, Lordy, he's gone nuts again ... TK takes no responsibility for Doc's "asshole song" below ... but we sure wish he included a few representatives of his party of choice ... like the one who could see Russia from her house ... the one who apologized to BP ... the one who started both wars we obviously can't win (the same one who started the bailouts and felt rich people deserved bigger tax breaks) ... the one with the forever tan speaking for the latest contract ON America (the pledge photocopied from a 90's playbook) ... and, of course, the latest girl genius who thinks science has cloned mice with developed human brains (and who wanted to legislate against masturbation) ...

Here now, clearly off his meds again, le doc ...


Hey Chaz,

NEW RIDE

The Volvo S40 is a nice car. I almost bought one once, but then I realized I wasn’t ready to make the lifestyle changes that the car required. You know, carrying the murse (man purse), wearing the Birkenstocks and the driving gloves, changing my name to Brant, joining Amnesty International and Greenpeace, buying a counterfeit NYU sticker for the back window. A 2005 Volvo should come with a “Kerry/Edwards” bumper sticker, but if you write to the factory they will replace it with a “Change You Can Believe In” upgrade at no charge. Drive it in good health.

A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES

I got a queasy feeling when Congress decided they should investigate if baseball players were juicing up. If it was any of their business at all, shouldn’t they look at football players first? They weigh 900 pounds and can bench press Rosie O’Donnell, so why baseball players? I figured out that congressmen just wanted to meet their favorite players, so they launched this ludicrous investigation.

Beyond ludicrous, last week, congress had Stephen Colbert, a rich white, comedian testify on behalf of poor, brown, migrant farm workers. Aside from being inappropriate the smug bastard wasn’t even funny. When one of the congressmen, who was so drunk or senile that he couldn’t even put a sentence together, tries to object to this farce the other morons override him. In spite of that, congress wonders why they have a popularity rating slightly below genital herpes.

I’m waiting for our elected officials to launch their in depth investigation of breast implants to determine if Pamela Anderson should have an asterisk next to her name in TV Guide.

Here’s one for our political elite (and Volvo drivers)



Have a good week, Chucky
Doc

Grumpy Knucks (Job II) ... Another Democratic Victory?

Amici:

Doc received a much more animated version of the story below ... but this is for public consumption and just in case the tea party whack jobs do find their way into power, I’m trimming some of the animated language from said story.

Job was a biblical character screwed sixteen ways to Sunday because Satan challenged God. God chose Job (substitute Knucks here) to prove to Satan that masochism is a good thing.

Sunday, after pissing off one of my 11 fans nationwide by leaving the signing early (before she lugged all my books to be signed), God screwed me by killing my always (until then) dependable Honda (3 working doors and all) ... we had it towed and the mechanic said (the next day), "I can't find anything wrong with it, Knucks." We let him keep it for 3 days and he still said it was okay, especially after he tightened a few wires under the distributor cap (whatever the MF that is) ... so, last night (Friday), Job II had to play drums at a studio on the other side of New Jersey ... but first, Mr. and Mrs. Job II decided it was time to buy a new used car ... so we went to a dealer Mrs. Job II had been online with and we chose a 2005 Volvo S40 ... a mini tank ... but it needs to be tuned up, etc., so we told the guy we'd come back and test drive it again once he had it up to speed. It was 6:30 p.m. ... Mrs. Job II had an appointment in Staten Island so she took the rental one way; Mr. Job II had that studio on the other side of New Jersey to go to so he took the Honda (that there was “nothing wrong with”). Mr. Job II drove on the Garden State Parkway searching for Exit 153B. At 141, the Honda died.

My name there ... please, do me a favor already. I'm not good at suffering ...

It was towed to Newark, but fortunately, Mr. Job II caught Mrs. Job II before she went to her appointment on Staten Island and she followed the tow truck to Newark and we were able to attend the studio session on the other side of New Jersey (which was good, because I needed to bang something).

Now it’s Saturday morning and I get to try and get the dead Honda back from a Newark tow yard. Great ... there’s nothing more I want to do. My day off (Friday) turned into another tow truck nightmare and now I get to do it one more time. God be warned, I am getting good at this ... so he (or she) will have to find another way to torture me soon. Doc says I can expect lightning bolts and locusts ... I'll settle for a lunch date with him in the Irish bar of his choice (remember that nightmare Chris on the Sopranos had? Paraphrasing: "I dreamed I died and went to hell. It was an Irish bar and we were playing craps, but all the Irishmen were winning.")

Life’s been good to who so far?

Mind that Healthcare Gap ...

Health Care Costs rise as insurance companies take advantage of “the gap” ... once again, the brain trust at the White House (all those Ivy leaguers who know so much more than the rest of us) ignored pleas for stipulations when they signed the watered-down (total bullshit) health care reform into law (the one they didn’t bother reading) and now the gap between the law's passage and when Insurance Companies will be somewhat capped has become their opportunity to stick it to all of us. Increases from 10-40% are now being levied against their customers (you, me, our employers, etc.) while Democrats write this off by saying “Well, they were doing that anyway.”

Yeah, so what happened to National Health Insurance?

So, my beef with the Democratic Party increases... not only are they duplicitous in the extreme (the party of the people my ass), they have now proven beyond a reasonable doubt they are as incompetent as they are duplicitous. The way they could’ve written stipulations into their bailout for big bucks campaign two years ago, they could have added stipulations to their fugazy health care bill that PRECLUDED insurance companies from taking advantage of the gap between the bill’s passage and enforcement.

I had to try and digest my breakfast while watching CNN debate “the gap” this morning ... even the guy hosting the debate asked the democratic Congresswoman from Philadelphia, “Couldn’t you foresee this coming?”

And her answer was, “But they were doing it anyway, raising rates 10, 20, 30 and 40%.”

As Dave Terrenoire once put it, “Sweet Jesus on a Vespa.”

Sorry, President Obama is ultimately responsible for this fiasco he wants to claim is health care reform. Those on the true left (not the left that caved in at the last minute, i.e., Michael Moore, Dennis Kucinich, et al for the sake of a dream as opposed to the reality they could’ve demanded), see this as one more FAILURE of this president and HIS Party. Way to go, Hahvahd. Those insurance companies you “reformed” continue to laugh their way to the banks (who’ve been laughing since you gave them $800 billion of our dollars).



—Knucks

Doc says ...

Amici:

The Godmother said Doc was gonna go wild with my last post ... and here he is, le doc:

Hey Chaz,

So, Knucksline is lauding Lady Gaga. It can’t be long before we start seeing the photos of Keith Olberman slow dancing with Sarah Palin, as the snow clouds gather steadily over hell. This new found respect wouldn’t have anything to do with the Gaga wearing a “meat” dress to the MTV awards ceremony, would it? You have always had a weakness for women wearing food.

Sorry to hear about the demise of your vehicle and just when you had it broken in nicely. While you’re shopping for your new ride you should take a look at the luxury models. You know… the type where you can open all the doors from the inside.

Cynthia, if you decide to take the Knuckster up on his lunch invitation I can offer you a few tips.

- Do not wear anything flammable. When he chooses to use them, sparks actually do fly off of his eating utensils.
- Eat fast. If the Chazmeister finishes before you, he will shoot glances at your plate the way wolves look at yorkies.
- Do not go with him to Irish taverns. He will wear out his welcome before you’ve taken your coat off.
- Enjoy!

Hickory, Dickory, Doc

Last week there was an article in the paper. It ran its 48 hour cycle on the Drudge Report and I haven’t heard about it since. To me this was the “stand up on the bullet train and pull the emergency brake” moment for the whole Jobs Recovery Package, but it was pushed off the front page to cover Lindsay Lohan’s latest screwups.

It seems President Obama gave $111 MILLION DOLLARS to Los Angeles to create jobs. With that money, L.A. created (or saved) 55 jobs. Using extremely government-friendly rounding, that comes to $2 MILLION per job. This would have been an ideal opportunity for Obama to analyze exactly why the Stimulus Package is not stimulating. I would like to see Obama pull Air Force 1 into LAX with a pad full of pink slips and interview every damned bureaucrat who touched that money. We could put it on CSPAN. God knows they owe him a ton of time he never used explaining the health care plan. We need to get to the bottom of this. Did L.A. build a $110 Million golf course with 55 undocumented groundskeepers making $18,000 per year?

Let’s get realistic here. If you gave $111,000,000 to Ron Popeil he would have turned that into a Fortune 500 company employing 30,000 people. Hell, if you gave it to that freaking, annoying Sham-Wow guy, he could create at least 500 jobs.

Better yet, give the money to me and I’ll create jobs up the wazoo…

3 Ferrari mechanics, 25 yacht builders, 6 Swedish masseuses, 2 gunsmiths, 15 barmaids, 4 serving wenches and a 3rd shift at the Coors brewery. I would probably have to add a Lexus full of divorce lawyers to the mix, but hey, sometimes patriotism requires sacrifice. I might even hire a portly, crime novelist to chronicle the whole event. I can assure you that I won’t remember much of it.



Have a great week old pal of mine
Doc

Trains, apologies, tow trucks, the Bills and Lady Gaga …

Amici:

Back in the day, the ugly one drove Cadillacs (several different ones) and although one was a hell of a car (the Sedan De Ville), the other two (Eldorado and Seville) were garbage that fell apart as I drove them. I also used to drive a friend around in his Fleetwood Brougham and that boat was nothing but a pleasure (the greatest battleship ever produced, you ask me) … but then I was published and so began the legitimate (lean) years (money, not weight) … flash forward a dozen years and my screw-up at a signing the other day in Manhattan (for which this post is part public apology to one Cynthia Bona—she was nice enough to lug all her copies of my books to the signing but I had left early—not the first time I did this—I once did it to Doc too) to try and see the start of the Yets-Cheaterface game. God punished me for my indiscretion (and killed our 12 year old Honda with 165,000 miles on it just 1 mile from our exit on the Jersey turnpike).

Before I forget, Cynthia, if you’re reading this … consider this an open invitation to lunch on me. I am truly very sorry for taking off before the end of the book fair. The offer stands whenever you’re ready to forgive me.

So, it’s either off to the showroom or Knucks learns how to roller skate to work starting next week.

My beloved New York State Buffalo Bills … well, what can I say, Trent Edwards is out and we’re starting an Irishman in his place. Oy vey … a Fitzpatrick or Fitzgerald or some such name. Then again, it was an Irishman who brought us near glory in the early 90’s (Kelly) … so onward, Bills! I almost feel sorry for the Cheaterfaces from New England this week … almost.

In the Studio … the ugly one sits on his throne (not that one) and plays some tunes this Friday night in a Parsippany, NJ studio with a band he's been playing with. Some of the music is real to life fun (especially their originals) and some is … well, painful. So it goes …

Lady Gaga gets political … normally I wouldn’t resist to yap sarcastically about these kinds of celebrities but she is trying to do the right thing … the problem is it has to do with “don’t ask/don’t tell” and the votes she’s trying to sway are of the “no way, Jose” kind (i.e., the Republican Party lockstep "NO" vote because they smell blood in the water and President Obama has been hemorrhaging since he was inaugurated). So, to clarify, it’s not only okay to get your head blown off before you can have a beer in most states, you can’t admit to being homosexual. Righties, please, it’s time to grow up about this.

So, you go Girl/Lady … Who cares if you’re a Madonna wannabe or that you repeat the same words 4,000 x’s per song ... big ups to you, G-Girl.

And on that note …



—Knucks

We’re hawking books tomorrow in Manhattan ... the Locks of the week ... hire us eye-talians!

Amici:

GRYPHON BOOKS Collectable Paperback Show

New York City Collectible Paperback & Pulp Fiction Expo #22, the big 2010 show will be held on ...

Sunday, September 19, 2010
at the Holiday Inn on 57th Street in NYC.

Come and meet Mr. and Mrs. Knucks ...

Confirmed guest authors and artists include:
CHARLES ARDAI, award-winning crime author and editor of Hard Case Crime.
ED BALCOURT, renown artist rep who was a key player in paperback publishing.
LINTON BALDWIN, Lion Books crime author.
MARCUS BOAS, fabulous fantasy artist.
ELAINE DUILLO, famous cover artist and the “Queen of Romance!”
RON GOULART, master storyteller, SF writer, pulp and comic book scholar, more.
C.J. HENDERSON, crime, fantasy and SF author.
MORRIS HERSHMAN, Manhunt author and soft-core author as Arnold English.
MARVIN KAYE, famous fantasy author and Sherlockian anthologist.
JACK KETCHUM, famous author of chilling horror and wonderful fantasy!
SANDY KOSSIN, classic vintage paperback cover artist and illustrator!
ANNETTE & MARTIN MEYERS, mystery author couple, also write as Maan Meyers.
JOHN NORMAN, science fantasy author and creator of the famous GOR series.
RHODA PLOTKIN, wife of artist Barney Plotkin.
S.J. ROZAN, crime author and creator of the famous Lydia Chin series.
NORMAN SPINRAD, famous science fiction author, as available.
STAN TRYBULSKI, crime author, www.stantrybulski.com
F. PAUL WILSON, famous science fiction and horror masterful author.
PERSIA WALKER, crime author, www.persiawalker.com.
KEN WISHNIA, hard crime and mystery author.
CHARLIE STELLA, representing the Lions-Bills faction of the writing world.
JACK FARAGASO, vintage paperback cover artist and famed illustrator.
RON LESSER, vintage paperback cover artist and famed illustrator.
MARK ELLIS, creator of James Axler's Outlanders series and much more!
ANN BANNON, vintage Gold Medal paperback author of classic lesbian pulp novels.

This Stella person will have all his dopey books available as well as lollipops (the wife’s idea. Don’t ask).

The locks of the week ... take the Lions and the 6.5 points ... take the Bills and the 13.5 points (are they kidding me?) ... money in the bank, amici.

And finally, stop letting my people go ... my peeps are getting the short end of the stick and we want reparations (and jobs!). Seriously, WTF? Remember what Senator Pat Geary said in The Godfather:

“Mr. Chairman, I would like to verify the witness’s statement. For years now, a growing number of my constituents have been of Italian descent, and I have come to know them well. They have honored me with their support and with their friendship. Indeed, I can proudly say some of my very best friends are Italian Americans.

“These hearings on the Mafia are in no way whatsoever a slur upon the great Italian people. Because I can state from my own knowledge and experience that Italian Americans are among the most loyal, most law-abiding, patriotic, hard working American citizens in this land.

“And it would be a shame, Mr. Chairman, if we allowed a few rotten apples to bring a bad name to the whole barrel. Because from the time of the great Christopher Columbus up through the time of Enrico Fermi right up to the present day — Italian Americans have been pioneers in building and defending our great nation. They are the salt of the earth and one of the backbones of this country.”

- Senator Pat Geary

Yo, Yo ... here we go:

If you make it to the book thing tomorrow, I'll be the guy in the Buffalo Bills shirt ...

Go Bills!

—Knucks

Doc says ...

Hey Chaz,

“Unlike Doc, I like her … a lot.” (Knucksline 09/15/10)
Now what exactly are you trying to tell me here, Chuckles?

The Republicans eat their young
After several Tea Party victories in Tuesday’s primaries the Rep Elites have all but accepted defeat for these newcomers in November. These are the same geniuses who picked a doddering, dinosaur to run against a young, smooth talking, newcomer in 2008.

The Rep Elites have finally realized that America’s sudden thirst for conservative candidates will affect their job security as well. They haven’t totally thrown the new Tea Party candidates under the bus. They are going to send Christine O’Donnel a check for $42,000. That should be more than enough to run one ad on one of those radio stations at the far end of the dial; the stations that only dogs can hear.

For the older amicis, doesn’t Christine O’Donnel remind you of the young Linda Ronstadt. That would be before Linda ate her backup band.

But we’re screwed anyway.

Charlie Rangel despite facing 13 ethics violations sailed to a big win in his district. What must it take for some people to change their habits? Would Charlie have to drive his car off a bridge and kill his passenger, then disappear for 12 hours while he sobered up? Nah, that wouldn’t work either. The real tragedy is that these very same people will be voting in November this year and in 2012.

Football
Since you don’t like me or at least not a lot, I offer you this challenge. Pick the Super Bowl winner now and then refuse to drone on and on about that dopey game until you are vindicated in January. Trust me, the amicis won’t mind.

As far as the Bengals recent loss I have only this to say. This is what happens when you take away convicted felon’s constitutional right to carry firearms on the field. At the very least the quarterback should be allowed to pack heat.

Miscellaneous Crap
The International House of Pancakes is suing the International House of Prayer for copyright infringement (IHOP). Perhaps the International House of Prayer should beseech the Lord for some creativity.

The 2 day employment of voting site workers will be added to the statistics of “Jobs Created” for November. It can’t be long before Unemployment recipients are reclassified as Government Employees and we have 100% employment.

According to a CNN poll, 25% of citizens trust the government to do the right thing (and this is on CNN!) Chaz, I think I have found a 25% market share for our business venture… and our slogan.

“Join the Charlie Stella Fitness Plan today and see your waistline shrink like a government entitlement program!!!”

President Obama's book will be released in November. Between the vacations and weekends and date nights and cocktail parties where does this guy find time to write books? He truly must be the Messiah. By the way, his book is 40 pages long. Now how much did you get paid for Johnny Porno, which was 300 pages longer?

The young Linda sings one of my favorites.



Have a good week.
Your former friend,
Doc