Irish author extraordinaire, Declan Burke, interviews the ugly one at his joint ...Donald Trump buys Sarah Palin Albanian “real New York pizza” ... compliments of io cugino David (funny stuff) ...
Speaking of io cugino ... David Francis Calderazzo is an actor and Manhattan real estate agent and has been on The Sopranos. We talked on the phone the other night for the first time and kidded about how Italian sons and their mothers talk to each other (and how the rest of the world, just hearing us, would think we were animale) ... we shared a good laugh because only eye-talians get it (we think); our mom’s have mouths as foul as ours (where do you think we get it?). Unfortunately, David’s Mom passed a few years ago, but his Dad is doing well (one my mother’s first cousins). In honor of Italian boys and their moms everywhere, this morning I chatted with Spranzi (my mom) and here’s the gist of it:
Charlie: “Hey, Ma, what’s up?”
Spiranza: “What could be up? Gots’n gool.”
Charlie: “You have your phone with you?”
Spiranza: “Yeah, I’m talking to you, no?”
Charlie: “Don’t break my balls, ma. I called you. I’m talking about the cell. You got it on you or not?”
Spiranza: “It’s right here on my table. Go scratch your ass.”
Charlie: “Yeah, I’ll scratch my ass when you fall down again and you gotta lay there until somebody finds you like a few weeks ago.”
Spiranza: “I’m not falling. Don’t worry.”
Charlie: “I have to worry.”
Spiranza: “Why do you have to worry?”
Charlie: “Because sometimes you’re a moron.”
Spiranza: “Go shit in your hat.”
Charlie: “I’m serious, Ma. Keep the fuckin’ phone in your pocket.”
Spiranza: “Hey, what’d you call me to break balls this morning?”
Charlie: “Don’t be a jerkoff. I called you to make sure you’re alive. And to see if you have your phone on you.”
Spiranza: “You’re a jerkoff.
Charlie: “No, I’m your sonny boy.”
Spiranza: “You’re a pain in my ass.”
Charlie: “Fall down and don’t call me again and see what I am.”
Spiranza: “Oh, God, help me please.”
Charlie: “Never mind God. You better pray for the EMS guys that had to pick you up a couple weeks ago.”
Spiranza: “I knew I never should’ve told you about that.”
Charlie: “Because you couldn’t call me because you didn’t have the fuckin’ phone again. I should throw it out the fuckin’ window the next time I’m there for all the good it does.”
Spiranza: “Oh, Lord, please help him. He’s sick, Lord.”
Oy vey ...
I LOVE my Mommy!
And once more, from me to all a’yous for those birthday wishes ...
—Knucks
