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Leave the (political) party. Take the cannoli.

"It always seems impossible until it's done." Nelson Mandela

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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Doc says ... about that Scotsman and other things ...

Amici:

First of all, Chaz, let me make it clear that I was deeply offended by the blatant British Isles bigotry in your latest article. You of all people should realize my affection for this magnificent tapestry of humankind in all it’s splendid diversity. I have confided in you of my dream that someday my Irish and your Dagos will stand together as one to denigrate the Frogs and the Krauts and the Wet Backs in a splendiferous brotherhood of man.

Secondly, you gave the poor Scot the wrong directions and then criticize him for not showing up where you “imagined” he should be? Gee, 3,000 miles from home with bad directions... how could he go wrong. Remember, I've traveled with you. You couldn't find your ass with two hands and seeing-eye toilet paper.

To put it in historical perspective, 500+ years ago, ancestors of yours drew a map for Christopher Columbus showing him how to find China. And he showed up where? To this day, to celebrate this accomplishment, teachers and government workers take a day of rest and white sales to commemorate the event… like someone wouldn’t have found it anyway.

FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS

Does that supposed church have the rights to scream vile shit about homosexuals and soldiers at the funeral of fallen heroes? Absolutely! The same way that we have the right to send all the police guarding these scumbags to lunch 30 minutes before the ceremony starts. The rest will take care of itself.

THE CALIFORNIA ELECTION

Isn’t there some kind of legal ethical code (oxymoron) that you do not get your client to confess to numerous federal violations on national television in response to questions that no one is asking? So Gloria Allred throws this clueless, chunky, illegal alien under the bus just to discredit Meg Whitman. It’s well known that Gloria is a friend of Jerry Brown. For the younger amicis, Jerry Brown was the ineffectual governor of California back when I was hanging up my love beads and leaving SDS so I could get a job and buy food. Just to give you a hint, he was known as Governor Moonbeam.

And, Gloria, in the “Buy a Fucking Clue” category… just because your last name is “Allred” you don’t have to always wear red. Suppose my name was Dick, should I always display my… well, you get my point.

A KNUCKSLINE CHALLENGE

As you know, Chaz, the falling leaves and temperature have forced me to close the pool. To deal with my malaise I have arranged to take a week long sabbatical to mingle with my intellectual peers… Goofy, Donald and Sleeping Beauty (she never got over the former Doc). To justify the trip I am also bringing my wife, daughter and 5 year old granddaughter.

Here’s the deal: By Wednesday I expect to see the usual TK drivel…Drums are a musical instrument, Sarah Palin is stupid, capitalism would work better if we were all communists, opera doesn’t sound like ferrets fighting, the Bills are really gonna stomp them bastards next time, yada, yada, yada.

Now, the hard part… by Friday, I expect to see an “and the Doc says” response, from you, to your Wednesday epistle. Bear in mind there are certain standards for a Doc-umentary:

- All men are equal under God.
- The position of President of the United States demands respect.
- Capitalists are people too.
- Sarah Palin has got a bitchin’ little body.
- Opera was bearable until Jerry Lee came along.
- Foul language is the last resort of a weak minded asshole.

And an appropriate tune might be a nice touch.

To those of you who are not in the Magic Kingdom… have a nice week!

Doc