Fun with Bill and Tom: Hey, the last two weeks have been a total blast for Bills fans. It’s been Christmas 24/7. And tonight it all culminates in a no-lose situation for us Bills fans (and most of the rest of the country). Nobody likes cheaters. Ask Richard Nixon, Lance Armstrong, Tanya Harding, Barry Bonds, Alex A-Roid Rodriguez, and now Bill BeliCHEAT. Most non-football fanatics (like my wife and others not devoted to making themselves crazy over a stupid game) look at it this way: If they cheated, they shouldn’t play in the Super Bowl.
Bills fans agree! And so does the rest of the country!
PHOENIX — America has spoken, and it thinks the Patriots are lying cheaters.
That was the verdict from a nationwide poll this week of Americans who by a big margin don’t buy New England’s explanation for Deflategate and are now pulling for the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX on Sunday.
So, amici, the great day is finally upon us. No, not the Washington Mountain hike, not the 100 lbs. of weight loss (that continues to escape me by 8-12 pounds), not the start of the NHL Playoffs, nope, nothing that spectacular. Tonight it’s another Super Bowl. This one between the defending Champion Seattle Seahawks (i.e., Sea Pigeons) and the New England Cheatriots (i.e., Cheatriots).
The recent alleged scandal involves the deflated footballs used by the Cheatriots during the AFC championship game two weeks ago. Although at least some of the FACTS have been revealed (or there wouldn’t be an “ongoing NFL investigation,” for whatever that’s worth), repeating said FACTS 500 or 501 or 502 x’s doesn’t register with some of those living in 4 New England states the same way actual FACTS continue to confuse FOX news (to the point where they make up their own facts).
So, for the records (and 503rd time), here are the FACTS as we all know them (and some continue to deny them).
FACT 1: The Cheatriots and BeliCHEAT were caught and fined by the NFL for SPYGATE.
FACT 2: In 2006, Tom Brady petitioned the NFL to have teams supply their own game balls. Prior to 2006, each team played with the SAME BALL.
FACT 4: Roger Goodell burned the SPYGATE tapes the league had obtained.
FACT 5: The night before the AFC Championship game two weeks ago, Robert Kraft had Roger Goodell at his house for dinner and pictures were taken.
FACT 6: The day of the game, both team footballs were checked for the proper league standard psi. Both team footballs met the requirements.
FACT 7: At the half, based on prior suspicions and complaints about Cheatriot deflated footballs, the Cheatriot footballs were found to be deflated by as much as 2 lbs psi. The Colts game balls remained within the league standards (i.e., no deflation).
FACT 8: A videotape of a Cheatriot staff member (i.e., ballboy) shows the ballboy stepping into a bathroom with the game football already approved by the game officials.
FACT 9: It takes as little as 7.5 seconds to deflate a ball 2 lbs psi.
FACT 10: The Cheatriots only ran the ball 4 times for 13 yards vs. the Ravens a week earlier.
FACT 11: There were prior suspicions of deflated balls, which is why the officials checked the game balls at the half of the AFC Championship game.
FACT 12: The Cheatriots had the fewest amount of fumbles during the season (suggesting, at the least, a deflated ball is easier to grip and hold).
Cheatriot fans ironically cry foul (the league is out to get them). The rest of the civilized world, including those objective enough to look at the evidence, see it otherwise. A team loaded with talent, with arguably one of the two best QB’s in NFL history, and a coach with similar credentials, were already caught cheating and fined once, yet we’re to believe this mysterious ball deflation somehow was a miracle of modern science on one sideline but not the other sideline.
The Science … Bill BeliCHEAT claims it was science that proves his side of the field ONLY was affected (is he seriously suggesting climate change?) … Bill Nye the Science Guy claims BeliCHEAT is full of hot air. We say that excuse is about as arrogant as it gets (i.e., BeliCHEAT telling the paying public, fans, et al … they can go F themselves).
The NFL, in its infinite corruption, sought out a scientific excuse from Columbia University in New York. Can the start of the cover-up be any more obvious? Roger Goodell will have this “investigation” sleep with the fishes (as opposed to a repeat performance--burning the footballs the way he burned the SPYGATE tapes).
The Ball Boy … it’s already been proved on video that not only did the Cheatriot’s ball boy take the bag of approved footballs into the bathroom for 90 seconds, the amount of time it takes to deflate 12 footballs averaged 7.5 seconds per ball. More importantly, should the “investigation” find fault with the ball boy, are the rest of us to believe Tom Shady Brady (the guy who handles the ball most often) had nothing to do with the deflation (i.e., “Hey, ball boy, don’t forget to not deflate the balls.”) … or are we to believe a ball boy woke up two weeks ago and decided, “Hey, I think I’ll step into the bathroom out of view of the security cameras and deflate the game balls today!”
Don’t forget FACT #2 up above (Brady’s petitioning the league to have the teams use their own footballs). Prior to 2006, both teams used the same league football. Are we to believe Brady hasn’t been cheating since 2006? Really?
Look, the Cheatriots have made it to Jon Stewart’s Daily Show, where they were definitively exposed for the obvious cheaters they are.
Dynasty or Asterisks … well, if the Sea Pigeons win tonight, it may mean the start of a new NFL dynasty. The loss will be number 5 for the Cheatriots/Choketriots, giving them one more loss than my beloved New York State Buffalo Bills.
How cool is that?
How cool is that?
Should the Cheatriot win, it’ll just be one more *ASTERISK* for the New England franchise that has a history of CHEATING. Perhaps fitting is the fact that one of their former players, a friggin’ sociopathic serial killer, Aaron Hernandez, is on trial for murder this week. If you look at BeliCHEAT’s reaction to the Aaron Hernandez situation, it looks kind of similar to his reaction to deflategate.
He was shocked.
Shocked, I tell yous!
Oh, ONE MORE FACT, amici … Eli still owns Giselle's husband!
The most common sense and obvious explanation … thank you, Mr. Aikman (hall of fame QB without a single asterisk alongside his name).