Okay, so here it is: Temporary Knucksline’s 2012 NFL Preview … no wasting time here, folks. Let’s get right to it.
NFC East … Clay Matthews has issues with the Giants' success last season. They don’t get respect, just rings. Maybe Clay should look to his own defense giving up 37 in the biggest game of their season (why they were watching the Giants play the Super Bowl). Moonachie Blue may have something to prove again … if they stay healthy, who else in this division will give them fits? Nobody. Come playoff time, who would you rather have, double-check commercial celebs or Super Bowl Champions? The smart money says Moonachie Blue repeats as Division Champs, followed by RG III, the Cowgirls, with the Dog Killers bringing up the rear (because Michael Vick will never get through an entire 16 game season without getting injured--call it doggie karma).
Moonachie Blue … Clay Matthews, eat your heart out; still the team to beat!
Washingtonian Skins … RG III is for real, watch out!
Dallas Cowgirls … time to buy a new stadium.
Philadelphia Dog Killers … the joke continues …
NFC North … Clay Matthews best figure out how to repeat as division champs before he shoots off at the mouth about the Super Bowl Champions. Until they can stop other teams, the Pack will remain vulnerable … and this year, even though they need psychotherapy for their coach and some of their players, the Lionesses of Detroit will shock a few teams in a hotly contested two team race. The Bears aren’t half as good as people want to believe ... and the Vikings still suck.
Detroit Lioness … if they can keep out of jail/fines/suspensions, they’ll shock the Pack.
Green Bay Defenseless Packers … get a defense, then talk.
Chicago Bears … an over the hill gang and sliding down fast.
Minnesota Vikingless ... any team that gives up homefield advantage (the cold), deserves what they get. Enjoy your early round draft picks again next year, fellas.
NFC South … it just won’t make a difference what some court rules, the Aints remain the class of the South, followed by a Falconless team that can’t do it when it counts. The Panthers have a QB who will get a ring somewhere down the line, but not this year. The Bucks, making progress, aren’t there yet either.
New Orleans Aints … too much offense for the rest in this division.
Atlanta Falconless … too little defense to upset the Aints.
Carolina Pantherless … great QB and stepping up; soon to be reckoned with..
Tampa Bay Buckeroons … another year or two with the same coach and they’ll be in the hunt.
NFC West … This 49’er team, tough schedule and all, will be tougher (like Moonachie Blue) when it counts (for all the tough games they’ll play). Who’s going to dethrone them in the West? Nobody, right. A cakewalk division title, and should they be healthy when it counts, watch out! The Cardinals are still seeking leadership at QB and the Sea Pigeons aren’t ready yet. The Ramless remain so inept at best.
San Francisco 49’ers … this team is for real; don’t doubt them.
Arizona Cardinals … playing with themselves and their QBs.
Seattle Sea Pigeons … making progress, could sneak in the Wild Card nonsense.
St. Louis Ramless … making the same progress as my Bills, very little.
AFC BEAST … Unfortunately for most AFC teams, the Cheatriots remain the class of the conference. The entire Cheatriot nation shit its pants the other night when Brady took a sack and that will always be on the horizon (especially with the Bills new defensive line), but they’ll get their usual 11 wins (or better) season and then choke on cue. Moonachie Green will self-destruct sooner rather than later and my beloved New York State Buffalo Bills, unless they were just fooling the rest of the league coming out in that dopey no-huddle (no win) against the Skins last night (another loss), are just another 8-8 team. The Dolphinations continue to blow.
New England Cheatriots … tons of skill/talent and a history of choking.
Moonachie Green … lots of talk and little to show for it.
My Beloved New York State Buffalo Bills … oy vey with the no huddle already.
Miami Dolphinations … playing with themselves yet again.
AFC North … The Wes Cravens are getting old where it counts (defense), but it’ll still be good enough to take this division apart. The Steelers have seen their better days and are on the slide, but in the AFC, it may be enough. The Bangalis showed promise last season, but that leads to a tougher schedule and they aren’t THAT good yet (although they may surprise). Cleveland … well … yous know.
Baltimore Wes Cravens … getting old fast.
Cincinnati Bengalis … upstarts but maybe overrated; maybe not.
Pittsburgh Steelers … getting old faster …
Cleveland Browns … great helmets/uniforms, shit team.
AFC South … A healthy Texan team can spell Super Bowl appearance. Although they lost Super Mario to my Bills, they’re still a hell of a football team and can easily contest the Cheatriots for home field come the playoffs. Nobody else in this division is worth discussing.
Houston Texans … this team is very close.
Tennessee Tuxedos … at least a five-hundred guaranteed finish.
Jacksonville Jaguars … closer to 333 …
Indiacrapolis Coltless … the rebuilding begins, but don’t expect much this early.
AFC West … Peyton gives the Broncettes their division championship and if their defense plays as well as it did for Tebow last season, they could register in the playoffs. The Chargerless embracing Phillip Rivers makes as much sense as them holding onto Norv Turner … another garbage year for them. The Chefs and Raiderettes pose no threat.
Denver Broncettes … Peyton will make all the difference this season.
San Diego Chargerless … Phillips tosses another 20-20 season: TD’s to Picks.
Kansas City Chefs … maybe a wild card … maybe.
Oakland Raiderettes … so close, yet so far.
Come the playoffs, this is what you’re staring at, amici:
NFC wild cards: Green Bay and Atlanta
Conference Championship Game: 49’ers vs. The Aints.
AFC wild cards: Steelers vs. Bengalis
Conference Championship Game: Texans vs. Broncettes.
Super Bowl: Texans vs. 49’ers.
Winner: San Francisco 49’ers.
And remember, amici: Bet with your head, not over it …
Hey, amici, pay no attention to the putz who wrote the above article … check this out!